- Drink infused water for a subtle air of pretension.
- Use stationary. Notebook paper is for peasants.
- Wear glasses to interviews or tests to give off a more intellectual vibe.
- Hang wall décor, even if it’s not a pun that relates to your alcoholism.
- Paint your nails and toes the same color, and often enough that they’re never chipped.
- Wear matching pajama sets.
- Put out coffee table books or a few magazines in a bowl.
- Use coasters and shame others for not using coasters.
- Make your bed.
- Wear workout shoes with your workout clothes instead of flip flops.
- Curl your hair in the day time.
- Or use dry shampoo and last night’s curls.
- Write things in your planner that you’ve already done just so can cross them out.
- Use homework as an excuse not to hang out with someone.
- Fold all the clothes on “The Chair.” (You know. The one that seems only to exist as a place for clothes you don’t feel like folding.)
- At least chuck them in the closet where no one can see them.
- Make sure your walk of shame is before business hours.
- Drink a glass of wine with dinner because it’s “good for your heart.”
- Own a yoga mat.
- Keyword: own.
- Display said yoga mat as if you use it often and need it readily available.
- Wear brightly colored pants. They make it seem like you have a lot of money, because you’re not worried that only one top matches them.
- Work the phrase “social construct” into debates.
- Make sure your mascara doesn’t look like tarantula legs.
- Iron shit.
- Match your underwear with your bra.
- Wear both underwear and a bra.
- End your presentations with something other than “soooo… yeah.”
- Eat off of plates that aren’t paper.
- Ask for your salad dressing on the side.
- Read the headline of articles and later reference them in conversation as “articles you’ve read.”
- Have a signature/quote at the end of your emails that includes all of your bullshit extracurriculars.
- Have specific Spotify playlists for different occasions.
- When your mom asks how school is going, elaborate on the one good grade you got.
- It was on an open note partner quiz, but she doesn’t have to know that.
- “Yeah I’m probably going to head to the library later.”
- Keep your eyebrows on fleek.
- Light candles.
- You know, to cover up the nagging smell of weed.
- Walk a half marathon just to get the sticker for your laptop.
- Drink organic fruit juice.
- Even if it’s only when you’re chasing alcohol. It still looks good that you own it.
- Get your godforsaken phone screen fixed.
- Pretend like none of this relates to you..
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