Drink infused water for a subtle air of pretension.
Use stationary. Notebook paper is for peasants.
Wear glasses to interviews or tests to give off a more intellectual vibe.
Hang wall décor, even if it’s not a pun that relates to your alcoholism.
Paint your nails and toes the same color, and often enough that they’re never chipped.
Wear matching pajama sets.
Put out coffee table books or a few magazines in a bowl.
Use coasters and shame others for not using coasters.
Make your bed.
Wear workout shoes with your workout clothes instead of flip flops.
Curl your hair in the day time.
Or use dry shampoo and last night’s curls.
Write things in your planner that you’ve already done just so can cross them out.
Use homework as an excuse not to hang out with someone.
Fold all the clothes on “The Chair.” (You know. The one that seems only to exist as a place for clothes you don’t feel like folding.)
At least chuck them in the closet where no one can see them.
Make sure your walk of shame is before business hours.
Drink a glass of wine with dinner because it’s “good for your heart.”
Own a yoga mat.
Display said yoga mat as if you use it often and need it readily available.
Wear brightly colored pants. They make it seem like you have a lot of money, because you’re not worried that only one top matches them.
Work the phrase “social construct” into debates.
Make sure your mascara doesn’t look like tarantula legs.
Match your underwear with your bra.
Wear both underwear and a bra.
End your presentations with something other than “soooo… yeah.”
Eat off of plates that aren’t paper.
Ask for your salad dressing on the side.
Read the headline of articles and later reference them in conversation as “articles you’ve read.”
Have a signature/quote at the end of your emails that includes all of your bullshit extracurriculars.
Have specific Spotify playlists for different occasions.
When your mom asks how school is going, elaborate on the one good grade you got.
It was on an open note partner quiz, but she doesn’t have to know that.
“Yeah I’m probably going to head to the library later.”
Keep your eyebrows on fleek.
You know, to cover up the nagging smell of weed.
Walk a half marathon just to get the sticker for your laptop.
Drink organic fruit juice.
Even if it’s only when you’re chasing alcohol. It still looks good that you own it.
Get your godforsaken phone screen fixed.
Pretend like none of this relates to you.