“Haha, what?” That was my response when my older sister called me and told me that she had just gotten engaged. Thank God it wasn’t FaceTime or she would have seen the look of sheer horror on my face. No way this was real life, we’re only teenagers! Not really, we’re in our twenties. But still, to me, her and I are ageless and forever little kids. But eventually, everyone has to grow up. Throughout the following year or so, I was an active participant in the wedding process and damn, was it an ordeal. If you or anyone you know has an older sister getting married, pray to your favorite deity and be prepared for the following.
- When your sister tells you she got engaged, you will instinctively ask, “To who? Is he hot?”
- Suddenly feel extremely nauseous and resist the urge to puke and die.
- Actually die because her ring is perfect and huge and shiny.
- Ask her why she’s getting married, and immediately regret saying that.
- Stalk him on Facebook back to his infancy.
- If he has a younger brother, you’ll stalk him too.
- Call your mom and talk shit on all of his old girlfriends that you discovered during said stalking spree.
- Everyone in your family gets uncomfortably sentimental.
- Find out if you’re Maid of Honor, and if she’s still deciding between you and her best friend from college, compete relentlessly for MOH status.
- Complain about the color scheme. Coral and turquoise in spring? Groundbreaking.
- Look at more impossibly similar fonts than you ever thought possible.
- Go with her and your mom to pick out a wedding dress, find the dress of your dreams, and try to convince your parents to let you buy it because you’ll also be getting married soon, right?
- Sample. All. The. Cakes.
- Write down your favorite cake for that future wedding of yours.
- Regret sampling all the cakes and hit the gym. Gotta be the hottest bridesmaid.
- Actually like the bridesmaids dress you have to wear. Your sister does have style, after all.
- Get asked 470630 times if you’re in a relationship.
- Be told 470630 times that “there’s someone out there for you.”
- People look at you with a lot of pity.
- Everyone will ask when you’re getting married. *Sob sob sob.*
- Cry. A lot.
- Spend an embarrassing number of hours coming up with the perfect Instagram hashtag for the wedding.
- Become very close with your sister’s best friends when you all plan the bachelorette party.
- Learn all of the dirty stories from college your sister never told you.
- Learn way too much about her friends’ tastes in male strippers.
- Interview male strippers.
- Creep on the groomsmen once they’re finalized. Scope out and claim the hotties.
- Complain to your sister that not enough of them are single.
- Get in good with the wedding planner.
- Tamper with the seating chart so that every hot single guy has a perfect view of you.
- Get talked into attending a bridesmaid vs. groomsmen flag football game. Why God?
- Get wrecked in flag football, pull it off with grace.
- Have a meltdown at the rehearsal dinner when you realize that your sister is actually getting married.
- Be more stressed out than her on the big day because you want everything to be perfect.
- See your dad cry. Shit’s weird.
- Gossip about everyone’s dresses with your mom.
- Kick out a girl wearing white. Bitch.
- Spot a prime hottie. Make eye contact throughout the ceremony.
- Be amazed that your sister is so pretty, and realize that she’s still totally your idol.
- Drink all the champagne.
- Present that toast that you spent the entire engagement stressing over. With any luck, it’s as funny as you’d hoped.
- Two words: Wedding. Sex.
- Realize that she just set the wedding bar pretty damn high.
- Also, be weirded out that you now have a brother.
- Plan out your own wedding in extreme detail on Pinterest.
- Be happy for your sister, because at the end of it all, she really does deserve a happily ever after..
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