- Talk about your diet.
- A lot.
- And insist that you can’t eat carbs, but always steal some (all) of his fries.
- Keep up with the Kardashians like it’s your job.
- And make him watch the episodes with you, so you guys can talk about it.
- “What do you mean you like Kim more than Khloé?”
- “Is it because you want to fuck Kim? Is that why? Huh? Is it?”
- Selfies. Selfies. Selfies.
- And upload all of the selfies to an album titled: “Bae: Together 4Ever.”
- He didn’t text you back? Call him repeatedly until he answers and explains where he was in complete detail.
- Post relevant articles such as “10 Reasons Why He’s The One” to his timeline.
- “7 Signs You’re Ready To Get Married Even Though You’re 19 And Have Only Been Dating For Three Months.”
- “Why Girls Who Wear Messy Buns To Bed Are Better Lovers Than His Slutty Ex-Girlfriend.”
- And speaking of ex-girlfriends, go ahead and block her from all of his social media.
- What? You’re already on his Facebook when he’s in the shower. Trust me, he’ll thank you for it.
- Or just kill her.
- JK.
- (Maybe).
- When he asks to hang out with his friends, tell him that he doesn’t need friends.
- He has you. Forever.
- Make him hold your hand while you eat dinner.
- He forgot that today was the six-month anniversary of the first time you had sex in his car? I guess you’ll just forget to take your birth control.
- But really. An accidentally-on-purpose pregnancy will 100 percent make him love you. That’s just science.
- Let him know, in detail, just how miserable your period makes you.
- Remember: passive-aggression is the key to a happily ever after.
- If you haven’t stalked his ex-girlfriend’s Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter all the way back to the beginning, you don’t even deserve a boyfriend.
- Going shopping? Make him tag along and carry your bags.
- Bonus points if you guilt him into buying you something.
- Quiz him on your favorite things and get pissed off when doesn’t remember your favorite color to wear on Wednesdays (pink. Fucking duh).
- Ask him if he would still like you, even if you didn’t have legs.
- Or blonde hair.
- Or a vagina.
- Make him think that you’re going to have sex with him, and then just don’t.
- Don’t even think about picking up the tab for drinks, dinner, or an event.
- Like, ever.
- The next time he goes home to visit his family, invite yourself along.
- And yes, you’ll introduce yourself as their “future daughter-in-law.” Obviously.
- Text him as much as humanly possible throughout the day.
- Especially when you know he’s busy with school, work, or other various commitments.
- LOL if he thinks that you’ll be cool with his porn habit.
- Send him engagement ring pictures instead of nudes.
- No. He does not have female friends. And no, he never will. Ever again.
- Buy yourself a lavaliere with his fraternity’s letters and tell everyone that he gave it to you.
- Drunkenly cry about your ex-boyfriend to him.
- And compare them every chance you get. Especially their penis sizes.
- And if all else fails, just tell him that you don’t believe in blow jobs. Trust me, he’ll respect you for it..
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