47 Things We All Secretly Want To Do On New Year’s Eve


  1. Have more fun than everyone else.
  2. Or at least take the perfect Instagram picture to make everyone think that you had more fun than them.
  3. Cancel all of your plans last minute to stay in and watch someone else’s Netflix.
  4. Paint your nails, and use that as an excuse for not being able to do anything.
  5. Take an absurd amount of pictures of your cat. Just because.
  6. Lazily masturbate.
  7. Lazily masturbate while eating Chick-fil-a and rewatching Gossip Girl just like you did the rest of the year.
  8. Hate-stalk your ex.
  9. Find the perfect dress and attend the perfect event where the perfect guy gets down on his perfect knee and asks you to be his perfect wife while presenting you with the perfect ring.
  10. Or at least find a guy to sloppily make out with at midnight.
  11. Or a bicurious girl. You’re not picky.
  12. Post a picture you took at Christmas with the caption “NYEEEE BITCHESSS” from the comfort of your bed.
  13. And while you’re at in, check in at that big block party downtown that you’re too lazy to actually attend.
  14. Order a large, extra cheesy pizza.
  15. Eat the entire large, extra cheesy pizza all by yourself because tomorrow you really are starting your diet.
  16. And giving up carbs.
  17. And going to the gym three times a day. At least.
  18. Send Adele lyrics to all of the boys who fucked you over in 2015.
  19. And “Sorry” lyrics to all of the boys you fucked over in 2015.
  20. Confront that bitch you hate and tell her she’s a horrible person while simultaneously causing her physical harm.
  21. Or just attend the same event as her and shoot her the occasional side eye while judging her outfit.
  22. Wake up on New Year’s Day and somehow have already magically reached your idea weight for 2016.
  23. Be on the list. All of the lists. Any of the lists.
  24. Drink an entire bottle(s) of champagne all by your lonesome.
  25. And take a selfie kissing it, with the fire caption of: “Welcoming 2016 with the love of my life.”
  26. Drunk text a fuckboy.
  27. Swear that this is the last time you drunk text said fuckboy.
    (This year.)
  28. Stalk everyone who got engaged/married this past year.
  29. Then make fun of all the engaged people because like, who gets engaged this young?
  30. NOT YOU!!!! (sob sob sob)
  31. Work on your Pinterest wedding board. Just so you’re ready in case next year is your year.
  32. Go to the pregame. When everyone gets in separate cars to leave, tell them you’ll see them at the venue and go home.
  33. Avoid all happy couples.
  34. Get into a fight with your longtime guy best friend (who you accidentally slept with) and end up confessing your love for each other exactly at midnight and live happily ever after.


  35. Or just sit at home and cry while watching When Harry Met Sally.
  36. Call your high school boyfriend and ask him if he’s the Harry to your Sally.
  37. Realize that he’s not the Harry to your Sally when he has no idea what you’re talking about.
  38. Just not put on pants.
  39. Or a bra.
  40. Or heels.
  41. Tweet sad girl things that turn out to be really funny and turn you into a superstar.
  42. Not have to pay $100 for a five minute Uber ride to the house of the guy who sometimes texts you back but also sometimes calls you “Danielle.”
    And no. Your name is not Danielle.
  43. Roll around on the floor with a whole bunch of puppies.
  44. Spend it with your true Friends.
  45. You know. Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica.
  46. Nothing. Just sit at home and do absolutely nothing.
  47. And when everyone asks what you did on NYE, just lie. You said you were giving up carbs next year, not being a good person.

Cheers to the mistakes we’re leaving behind and the bad decisions in our future. Hope you’re ready for us, 2016.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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