- When was the last time I had my period?
- Why can’t I EVER remember when my last period was?
- Oh I remember I was on my period when I took that Instagram picture.
- I’ll check the date.
- Five weeks.
- Shit.
- Five weeks is not four weeks.
- FUCK.
- I cannot be sober for nine months.
- You can be late for your period because of stress, right?
- That’s it. I’m totally just stressed.
- Or maybe I’m stressed because I am pregnant.
- Maybe my baby is stressed because I keep drinking.
- Wait, this means that Matt would be the father.
- He would be such a shitty father. Oh my God.
- FUCK.
- At least my child would have good genes.
- I’ll text Rachel.
- I love how she always offers to come with me to buy a test when I think I’m pregnant every single month.
- Like I need the buddy system to buy a pregnancy test.
- It is nice of her to offer, though, she’s a good friend.
- I wonder if she would mother my child for me?
- How does Rachel have unprotected sex for a year and never get pregnant but here I am after my one-night stand knocked up?
- Why did I bother texting Rachel?
- Oh shit, how am I going to tell my mom?
- As if she needs ONE MORE reason to be embarrassed of me.
- At least I have the names of my children already picked out.
- Because Matt can’t have a say in the child’s name.
- He’d pick something so stupid like, Payton Manning, or something.
- At least now I can eat whatever I want.
- Wait, no. Pregnancy weight. No.
- I can’t even lose regular weight.
- My body will go to shit.
- I will go to shit.
- My life is over.
- Why didn’t I listen to Coach Carr?
- I did have sex. And now I will die.
- Why do I put myself through this mental torture every single month?
- The sex was not good enough for me to be pregnant.
- God, if you give me my period, I will never have sex again.
- At least until I’m married.
- I know I say this every time, but I’m serious this time.
- I will stop drinking from the cup of sinful pimp juice.
- I will order a chastity belt and a purity ring.
- Ouch. Was that a sharp pain in my back?
- A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.
- Please God, don’t make this child anything like me..
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