47 Thoughts You Have When You Are Late For Your Period And Single AF

47 Thoughts You Have When You Are Late For Your Period And Single AF

  1. When was the last time I had my period?
  2. Why can’t I EVER remember when my last period was?
  3. Oh I remember I was on my period when I took that Instagram picture.
  4. I’ll check the date.
  5. Five weeks.
  6. Shit.
  7. Five weeks is not four weeks.
  8. FUCK.
  9. I cannot be sober for nine months.
  10. You can be late for your period because of stress, right?
  11. That’s it. I’m totally just stressed.
  12. Or maybe I’m stressed because I am pregnant.
  13. Maybe my baby is stressed because I keep drinking.
  14. Wait, this means that Matt would be the father.
  15. He would be such a shitty father. Oh my God.
  16. FUCK.
  17. At least my child would have good genes.
  18. I’ll text Rachel.
  19. I love how she always offers to come with me to buy a test when I think I’m pregnant every single month.
  20. Like I need the buddy system to buy a pregnancy test.
  21. It is nice of her to offer, though, she’s a good friend.
  22. I wonder if she would mother my child for me?
  23. How does Rachel have unprotected sex for a year and never get pregnant but here I am after my one-night stand knocked up?
  24. Why did I bother texting Rachel?
  25. Oh shit, how am I going to tell my mom?
  26. As if she needs ONE MORE reason to be embarrassed of me.
  27. At least I have the names of my children already picked out.
  28. Because Matt can’t have a say in the child’s name.
  29. He’d pick something so stupid like, Payton Manning, or something.
  30. At least now I can eat whatever I want.
  31. Wait, no. Pregnancy weight. No.
  32. I can’t even lose regular weight.
  33. My body will go to shit.
  34. I will go to shit.
  35. My life is over.
  36. Why didn’t I listen to Coach Carr?
  37. I did have sex. And now I will die.
  38. Why do I put myself through this mental torture every single month?
  39. The sex was not good enough for me to be pregnant.
  40. God, if you give me my period, I will never have sex again.
  41. At least until I’m married.
  42. I know I say this every time, but I’m serious this time.
  43. I will stop drinking from the cup of sinful pimp juice.
  44. I will order a chastity belt and a purity ring.
  45. Ouch. Was that a sharp pain in my back?
  47. Please God, don’t make this child anything like me.

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