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47 Ways To Let Him Know You Want To Hook Up

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  1. Slingshot your thong (or granny panties) across the table at him while he’s eating dinner.
  2. Bonus points if you’re at a restaurant.
  3. Or, better yet, don’t wear any underwear. When you’re about to order, tell both the waiter and your future sex partner that you have an announcement to make.
  4. Inform all parties that you are sans undies. The restaurant will appreciate it because they really should disinfect that seat once you leave. Safety first, guys. Safety first.
  5. Text him a picture of one of your body parts and tell him that it misses him.
  6. I usually do a close-up of the nostrils or the inner elbow, but get creative. Let your freak flag fly.
  7. Blow in his ear. Hard. Blow that ear hard. Get it nice and wet and warm.
  8. Ear blowing gives them instant boners.
  9. Or is it penis blowing?
  10. No, I’m pretty sure it’s ear blowing. Yeah, go with the ear blowing.
  11. Hire some big guys to grab him when he gets out of class, throw a blindfold on him, and toss him in the back of a van. Have them bring him to your location, where you’ll shout “surprise!” and then have sex with him.
  12. The thrill of the whole thing will really turn him on.
  13. Ask him if it’s raining. When he says no, say, “Really? Because I’m feeling pretty wet…”
  14. “…IN MY PANTS.” (Writer’s Note: Always explain the joke, because men’s brains are, like, half the size of ours. We don’t want them getting confused and frustrated.)
  15. Sneak into his house and take pictures of your boobs next to all of his stuff.
  16. The picture of his grandma next to your bodacious rack will really give him a stiffy.
  17. Send him the pictures while he’s in a meeting or out to dinner with his mother.
  18. Make eye contact with him while you aggressively eat penis-shaped foods.
  19. Throw him a wink to let him know that you’re good with your teeth.
  20. They love to imagine a girl ripping their dick to pieces.
  21. Leave a trail of tacos from the front door to his bed.
  22. And be on the bed, naked. Covered in tacos. Surrounded by various Mexican dipping delicacies. Including guacamole.
  23. Especially guacamole.
  24. Trust me. Every guy dreams of having a naked girl lying in his bed who is covered in tacos. It’s just science.
  25. Sit on his lap and tell him you want to talk about the first thing that “pops up.”
  26. If his penis doesn’t start poking you, take a moment to ask him where he sees this relationship going. No time like the present.
  27. Tell him you want to watch a movie.
  28. Then, put on one of the pornographic variety. Preferably one with lots of male-on-male scenes.
  29. He’ll like it because he’ll be able to relate. He’s a guy, they’re guys–makes total sense.
  30. And better yet, it shows you get him.
  31. Feed, walk, and pet him.
  32. Invite him over for dinner and tell him that it will be cooked wearing nothing but an apron.
  33. Granted, he’s the one who’s going to cook in the apron, but just wait until he arrives to tell him that detail.
  34. Snapchat the whole thing. Guys love that shit.
  35. Like every single picture of his on Instagram. Comment on each of picture saying it’s an “instant panty dropper.” He’ll get the hint.
  36. Show him your to-do list–where he’s the only thing on it.
  37. Well, him and buying yeast infection medication. But he’s number one.
  38. Ask him to bring over a hotdog. Tell him you’ll provide the bun.
  39. And once he brings the hotdog, let him watch you make out with it.
  40. He’ll think it’s sexy. And, like, it’s just one time.
  41. Give him a sandwich. It’s like sex exchange currency.
  42. Clean his apartment in a French maid costume.
  43. Or just put on the costume and hold a duster. I don’t advise actually touching any of his dirty shit.
  44. It’s all too…sticky. That’s not really something you want to think about.
  45. Tell him about the first time you got your period.
  46. It’s a story ALL ABOUT YOUR VAGINA. Uh, hello, dream come true.
  47. Alcohol.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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