It seems that lately, all that shows up on our Facebook newsfeeds are posts of people getting engaged–which is why we don’t really look at Facebook anymore. But with that said, with engagements come wedding planning and with wedding planning comes you being asked to be a bridesmaid. Now, we have to admit that the first time being a bridesmaid is pretty fun. But, if you are any decent kind of sorority sister, you don’t get asked just once–you’re asked a lot of times. While you are happy to be a part of your friend’s special day, by the sixth time in two years, it gets to be a bit much. Given our numerous stints as bridesmaids, we are pretty qualified to break down the thought process of a bridesmaid for you, from the asking, to the shower, to the bachelorette party, and finally to the big day.

The Asking:

1. Aw, it’s so nice of you to want me to be a part of your day.
2. Exactly how much is this going to cost me?
3. At least I might be able to wear the dress again.
4. Who the hell am I kidding? I will never wear this dress again.
5. Oh, and you picked a $300 dress? Awesome.
6. And it’s strapless, so I can pull at it all day so my boobs don’t fall out? Double awesome.
7. Will the reception have an open bar?
8. It better have an open bar.
9. Is at least one of the groomsmen cute?
10. And single?
11. No?
12. I’m going to die alone.

The Shower:

1. I hope your mother is planning your bridal shower.
2. Otherwise it’s going to be pizza and Fireball shots in my parents’ backyard.
3. Oh, good. Your mom’s in charge of the shower.
4. Your mom planned your shower for 11 a.m. on a Sunday.
5. Doesn’t she know how hangovers work?
6. Yes, it’s acceptable to wear yoga pants to bridal shower. Get off my case.
7. So excited to spend the next five hours watching you open presents. Really.
8. Great, your cousin Jenny is in the wedding, too?
9. Hope she doesn’t find out I slept with her boyfriend.
10. Oh, you got me a gift for being in your wedding? So sweet.
11. It’s a bracelet that you want us all to wear on your wedding day so we have matching jewelry? What the hell kind of a gift is that?

The Bachelorette:

1. Shit, I was supposed to plan your bachelorette party?
2. Luckily the bouncers at the cool bars know me. Crisis averted.
3. Wait, exactly how much is this costing me?
4. Oh boo hoo, you would rather have had a spa weekend? Suck it up and take the shot.
5. One shot for you, one shot for me.
6. Please stop blabbering about how much you love your fiancé and drink your margarita out of your penis straw.

The Big Day:

1. Hold on…I’m supposed to buy you a wedding gift?
2. Isn’t the fact that I’m here in a $300 dress and a $75 updo that will take five shampoos to get the hairspray out enough?
3. Picture time.
4. Let’s all stand around looking awkward while the regular guests get to go to cocktail hour. Joy.
5. Listen, photographer dude, it doesn’t look “natural” when we all jump in the air at once.
6. WHERE THE HELL IS THE OPEN BAR?
7. Oh, thank God. There it is.
8. Time to awkwardly slow dance with the groomsman who walked me up the aisle. Hope his date doesn’t mind.
9. The look on her face says she minds. Sorry, girl.
10. Why is there only one bartender?
11. I don’t really want to participate in the bouquet toss.
12. You pointing at me while “All The Single Ladies” plays isn’t helping.
13. Fine, fine. I’ll go join the crowd of pathetic single girls on the dance floor.
14. Do NOT aim that thing at me. Seriously, do not.
15. It doesn’t count as me catching it if it bounced off my updo. Right? RIGHT?
16. Really, one bartender does not cut it.
17. One shot, two shot, three shot…
18. …hit the dance floor.
19. What do you mean, I have to get up tomorrow and go to a post-wedding brunch?

Nice Move484

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, and documenting her love of all things cheese related. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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