Your average fraternity boy is like a Bloody Mary: an acquired taste, and not always worth the effort. Sure, they’re usually pretty intelligent and their general sense of style has them looking like a weirdly alluring toddler on Easter. However, we’re not all dead set on ending up with a man who utilizes the word “brah” far too loosely and, more often than not, opts to wear shorts that are shorter than our own. To accommodate this arrogant and vastly unpopular attitude, I’ve compiled a list of alternatives that will most likely get me banned from the few fraternities with whom I still associate.
1. The Boy Scout
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: in the event of an apocalypse, it isn’t a bad idea to find yourself next to a man who can build shelter out of Q-tips and some duct tape. Don’t let their Dwight Schrute-esuqe outfits scare you away, because these guys could really come in handy should you ever find yourself stranded in the wilderness or just wondering exactly how many types of bears are located in North America. Added bonus: I refuse to believe that a man who can tie fifty different knots and start a fire with a toothpick could possibly be bad in bed. If you’re still not convinced, think about how you could store all the fucks you don’t give in his cargo shorts.
2. The Dropout
There are two kinds of college dropouts. The first is a guy who spent too much time pulverizing his liver with store-brand vodka and eventually moved home because his parents refused to fund his tuition after his third failed intervention. The second is the guy who went to college, realized, “I’m too smart for this shit,” and left to accept one of many job offers (or even better, to start his own company). I’m talking about the second guy, obviously. There’s nothing better than a guy that has so much drive that he can’t even be bothered to waste time associating with us lowly peasants stuck in our awkward, partially independent college years. If you end up with this guy, you know it will last, because he’s too smart to invest in you if there’s even the slightest possibility of divorce.
3. The Stoner
If you’re ever questioning the intelligence of a guy who smokes a shit ton of weed, just give him an ounce and nothing to smoke out of. I guarantee he will become an engineer right before your very eyes, fashioning a bong out of a Pringles can and some tinfoil. A lot of girls will stray from stoners because they think they’re unmotivated pieces of shit who live in basements and consider Adam Sandler a legitimate excuse for a comedian. However, this isn’t always true. It is definitely possible to find a stoner with some serious ambition. One who, once he gets high enough for the munchies to set in, becomes Bilbo Baggins and runs out the front door screaming “Let’s go on an adventure!” Who doesn’t love a 3 a.m. ice cream voyage? Communists. That’s who.
4. The Nerd
If I don’t marry a nerd, two things will happen. First, my mother will disown me and drown in a pool of her own tears while shouting “What did I do wrong?” Second, I will carry a general sense of sadness with me for the rest of my days. Marrying a dorky guy is like hitting the jackpot, because you’ll wind up with a guy who is smart enough to provide for you and your genetically superior children. It’s ridiculously easy to ignore the fact that he tucks his collared shirts into his underwear once you realize that a guy with a 4.0 probably has basic knowledge of anatomy, if you know what I mean (hint: I’m talking about sex).
5. The Disaffiliated
He’s the best of both worlds, despite the fact that he hangs his head in shame every time he’s forced to walk by frat row. He has dipped his toe in the Greek pool and emerged a self-sufficient GDI with a tolerable wardrobe and a file jam-packed with hilarious stories, the best among these being the reason he was kicked out of his fraternity in the first place. Whether he simply refused to involve himself in anything or set a small fire in the house, he’s your favorite degenerate for a number of reasons, the first of which is his general badass status. Everybody loves a bad boy, but only a select few get to marry him. .
Nice Move481
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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