Now that you’re finally back, and have semi-recovered from spring break, the reality has set in: you’re going to be graduating soon. Fuck. How did this happen? It seems like just yesterday you were young and stupid, blacking out every night and not giving a fuck, because you were a freshman and it was totally expected. Before you’ve had time to figure out what the hell “Communications” even means, your rude administrators are making you leave. You put a ton of hard work into binge drinking, winning Greek Week, and even attending a few classes, and suddenly you’re just expected to turn your back on it all, to enter this “real world” your parents keep mentioning to you?
It seems like just yesterday you were getting initiated, and now you’re adding your name to the list of girls that need to receive stoles with your letters on them. How did this happen? Unclear. Better question, however: what are you going to do next? Listen, bitches, you have a few options once you graduate, and they’re all pretty fucking bleak, so enjoy these next few weeks as if you’re a middle-aged woman enjoying her last crumbs of bread before Lent.
Option 1: Get Married
I mean, duh, isn’t that what you’ve been going to college for? A husband? Of course it is, because it’s 2013, and there’s absolutely no reason for you to go to get an education and decide that anyone who marries before the age of 25 is retarded. Anyway, you should totally just get married to your fratty little boyfriend. It’s going to be so cute. He’ll be able to go to his entry level job while you stay home and Instagram pictures of your dogs. You can spend hours each day watching The View, and creating Pinterest boards with titles like “Married Life” and “Dinners To Make My Man.” Your girlfriends will pretend to be thrilled for you, and you might even be a little jealous of them as they go out and live there lives but…MRS DEGREE RIGHT?! The best option, duh. Why would you need to think for yourself when you can become a mommy blogger somewhere down the road? Whatever.
Option 2: Get a “Job”
Since you’ve obviously failed to secure a husband, you’re probably one of those girls who has a really great personality, or something. So have at it! Use that personality and the education your parents paid for to secure a job and enter the “work force.” On the bright side, there will be a million new guys in your life, increasing your chances of finding your future husband. Also, you’ll have the chance to do a major wardrobe update, because now that you’re a professional, you need to reflect so on your outfit choices. It’s a new phase in your life, but one where you can still day drink (happy hour) and you still receive recognition for doing minimal work. I’m not kidding, if you figure out how to do it right, you can actually get paid to sit around and G-chat for 99% of the work day. (PS: Facebook chat becomes moot post-grad. G-chat is the only acceptable form of instant messaging.)
Option 3: Travel
This option isn’t terrible. I mean, while obviously it’s way better to be traveling because you’re on your honeymoon (MRS or bust), I guess the alternative of going to Europe for the summer couldn’t be too terrible. You have no idea what you want to do with your life, and you shouldn’t, because you’re 22 years old and have never had to make any major decisions in your entire life. Going abroad is a great way to work on your tan and go through your final slut phase (at least that’s what people tell me), and you can do so under the guise of “life experience.” I mean, yeah, the Vatican is cute and all, but want to know what’s even cuter? An Italian guy. It’s a thing, trust me, go figure it out on your own after you throw your cap and realize your life is over.
Option 4: Grad School/Law School/Med School
If you’re an academic overachiever who’s failed to find a husband, this is a great option for you. I love grad school because, for some reason, whenever you tell people you’re in it, they wrongly assume you’re smart and consider you a valuable contribution to society. What most people don’t realize is that, yes, post-bachelor education is hard, but if you figure it out, you can bullshit your way through it in the same way as you did undergrad. Also, the guys who have advanced degrees earn higher salaries, so you’re actually just getting an advanced MRS Degree. Think of yourself as the Elle Woods who didn’t fuck it all up by letting a “moral compass” guide her.
Option 5: Fail A Required Class Or Change Your Major To Stay Another Year
I mean, let’s face it, you’re pretty much doomed at this point. You haven’t found a husband, you haven’t landed a job, you don’t have concrete plans to get wasted in Prague, and your GRE/MCAT/LSAT scores were abysmal. The only option here, clearly, is to bomb your required calc class by repeatedly answering every test question with “THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST!” This will ensure you’ll have to hang around at least a little longer. If you really want to commit, you can always go through a major crisis and change your major, which will grant you a whole extra year or two in the happiest place on earth (college). You can mess around, kind of go to class, and prolong the real world for a few more years while you laugh at all of your over-achieving friends, realizing that college is the absolute best time of your life and you’re only young once. Ruining your youth by getting married or too serious is the worst fate to befall any of us.
Or, I mean, you could graduate and take a year off from life, and live with your family as you plot your next step, which is more than likely what a good chunk of you will do. It’s casual.