Guys are really fucking weird. The more I attempt to observe them, the more I realize that I know nothing, and I was probably meant to be a lesbian. Probably the most interesting part about them is the dynamic they share with their close guy friends. It’s nothing like you or I will ever experience, which I think is a good thing, because the shit they do to each other is fucked up, in a not-so-sneaky kind of way. At least we girls have the decency to be hella fucking shady in the shit we pull. Guys just dive straight into it and fuck each other over, which somehow works for them, because they never seem to be caught up in too much drama. If girls tried any of the following moves, we would be lonely outcasts waiting for a bottom-tier DUFF to pick us off our feet and start from square one.
1. Ditch each other for poon.
When you’re out with your pals for a girls night, you’re going to get pissed when Jenny inevitably tries to ditch the group for a chance to go home with the bouncer. Guys have no concept of pack mentality once they’ve plowed through a few pitchers and realize how truly lonely their dicks are. As soon as they realize they have a slim chance at getting laid, they won’t even so much as wave goodbye to their friends. They’re going to spend the rest of the night chasing tail, and probably won’t even touch base until the next morning when they’re stranded off campus and need a lift. What blows my mind is how acceptable it is for them to ditch each other. But I guess I can understand why the remaining stragglers are okay with it—they might not be getting laid, but you can bet your ass they’re going to have a pledge drive them through some TBell on the way home.
2. Repeatedly murder each other via video games.
I kind of wish this was a thing for women, because I can name about ten friends who I would just love to brutally slaughter, without actually harming. Playing video games could possibly be the most passive-aggressive move there is. It’s a perfect outlet to vent all your frustration, without actually having to do or say anything. Like, am I racing go-karts, or trying to prove that I’m an all-around better person than Claire and her stupid fucking face? I really do think this is somewhat of an emotional outlet for guys, because of the sheer amount of profanities they scream at each other while cutting down zombies or Nazis or whatever. But, like all other things guy-related, I’m probably just overthinking. They might just be biologically wired to want to dominate opponents, without having a legitimate reason. Who needs a driving force when you’re loaded with testosterone and a brute thirst for blood, power, and superiority?
3. Steal each other’s food.
Remember when your freshman roommate wouldn’t stop stealing your booze and food? That’s nothing compared to guys. They’re all just vultures looking for some exposed carcass to lunge at. They have no concept of boundaries or possession when it comes to food; if they want to eat it, they’re going to. It’s impossible to stop them, and at this point I think they just let it happen because they’re all convinced it’ll even out in the end. I suppose there could be some method to the madness, but if we’re being real, I’m pretty sure it’s just a free-for-all.
4. Steal each other’s women.
This one will never make sense to me. Maybe I’m high strung, or maybe I’m the normal one and every guy in existence has run out of shits to give. But somehow or another, when guys swoop in and steal each other’s girls, it only takes a week tops for the victim of the robbery to recover. Then he’s back out there, looking for a different ass to grope. I can’t tell if they don’t think the fight is worth it, or they just never care that much about a girl in the first place. Maybe we’re all underestimating the bonds of brotherhood here. Or maybe boys are like golden retrievers, and evolution has yet to teach them to pay attention to one tennis ball at a time.
5. Constantly talk shit to each other’s faces.
My favorite motto is, “Talk shit, get hit.” I regularly say this to people I talk shit about, because I’m not a lunatic who does it directly to their faces. But guys just go for it. It’s almost respectable how brutally honest they are to each other. Some of the shit I’ve heard guys say in cheerful yet destructive banter is harsh enough to put me in a delicate psychological state. If girls tried this with each other, no one would have any friends. I’m not sure how guys are totally okay after hearing their closest pals talk smack about wanting to bone their close female family members, but this kind of shit would not fly in girl world. If my BFF went in on my outfit and made fun of my love life, I would crawl into a bed and weep myself into oblivion. Maybe they’re onto something, and we all need to grow tougher skin. Or maybe they’re absolutely nuts, and this is the reason they constantly have enough residual, built-up anger to start fights with strangers and kick down doors when they’ve have one too many tequila shots. .
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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