The end is near. After three and a half years of pretending like this day would never come, it’s slowly crept up on you. The big G-word is just under four months away. Cue the panic attack. There’s nothing worse than being considered a grown up when your idea of a nice dinner is adding a glass of wine to your usual Saturday night pizza. Whether or not you have set plans for your post college life, the future can be daunting. Here are five completely inappropriate ways to cope with the impending doom that is right around the corner.
Only date freshman.
You’ll get to experience all of the wonderful firsts your university has to offer for a second time– first time getting kicked out of a bar, first time going out on $2 Tuesday and sleeping through all of your Wednesday classes, and the first time taking a theme party costume just a little bit too far. This will keep you so distracted that you might just forget that your time experiencing firsts is coming to a close. Bonus points if he is hotter than your ex. Cradle robbing is in this season.
Fail all of your classes.
If you fail everything, you definitely can’t leave, right? Instead of turning in your papers on time and studying for your exams, be as unprepared as possible. Talk back to professors just enough so that they mark you down on participation but not enough where you have to spend time in the Dean’s office. When you have to retake your courses next semester, you’ll already know all of the information. Get an easy A and an extra semester on campus. Plus everyone loves a victory lap. #FourMoreYears, am I right?
Move back into your old dorm room.
Ignore all of the weird looks you get in the hall. So what if there are two scared freshman ready to call their RA? You called squatters three years ago, so that must still count. Move everything out of your apartment and back into your freshman year dorm room. Don’t forget that dresser it took your dad 45 minutes to move at the beginning of the year. That’s clearly the easiest way to pretend you’re still 18. If you’re really a freshman, you still have three more years to live it up. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Your new RA is looking pretty good, too.
Hide.
When I was 14, my parents came to pick me up from camp at the end of my last summer as a camper, except they couldn’t find me anywhere. I was so adamant about staying that I hid myself in the closet of the program cabin. I was so well-hidden that it took my parents and counselors over an hour to find me. If they can’t find you, they can’t make you leave. Simple as that. Try the underground tunnels or that ancient lecture hall. Choose the desk with the least amount of gum stuck to the bottom and crawl under there for a while. Maybe bring a pillow.
Get kicked out.
If you get expelled from your university, then you definitely won’t be walking across that stage in May. Put soap in the fountain of your choosing or refuse to get off the statue of your school’s founder. He’s rusty and ugly anyway. Who cares if they call the university police department? I’m pretty sure they let you reapply if you get kicked out. Just don’t quote me on that.
However you do it, stand your ground. Start the revolution. End the G-word..
Nice Move241
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InVinoVeritas
InVinoVeritas is a recent college graduate who spends most of her time drowning her sorrows of graduation in coffee and tequila shots. She enjoys monogramming anything that doesn't move and drinking copious amounts of wine. Compliments, love letters, and cute videos of animals dressed as humans can be sent to [email protected].
@VinoVeritasTSM
