This week has been a clusterfuck on my Facebook feed. I’ve hardly been able to stalk (and judge) recent engagements without being annoyed by someone’s status update about some obscure current event or global happening. How the hell am I supposed to accurately critique someone’s shiny, new ring while simultaneously zoning my apartment to house 30,000 cats if I have to skip through a million posts about some political drama? Fucking rude. I mainly use social media to judge people and/or use other people as a barometer with which I judge the current state of my existence. I like to attack my self-esteem by stalking wedding and engagement photos, and then I make myself feel better by looking at photos of girls who have gotten fat. It’s cheaper than therapy, and way more fun than rehab because you can drink while doing so (apparently, rehabilitation centers are NOT BYOB). Either way, everyone has been such a buzz kill by interrupting my cyber self-loathing sessions by updating their status with shit I don’t care about. These are the absolute worst.
At first, I thought this whole Benghazi nonsense was actually about an individual named “Ben Gazi.” I was interested because he sounded both a) hot, and b) Jewish. I did a little digging to find out the necessary info: his annual salary, what he looked like, where he was from, and if he was single. It was all a huge fucking letdown because one Ben Gazi does not actually exist. It’s some massive political scandal. I can give zero fucks about anything related to politics, and I can give even fewer fucks about what my idiot Facebook friends have to say about such topics.
- Image via The Telegraph
2) Game of Thrones
A few things about this entire scenario confused me. At first, I had no idea what it was people were flipping the fuck out about on Twitter. I assumed it was some type of sporting event. Apparently, it’s a TV show, and apparently, something really fucking major happened a few weeks ago. I don’t care what happened on Mordor or whatever happens on the HBO show and the weird Facebook statuses you’re making are annoying.
- Image via Atlanta Blackstar
3) The NSA Scandal
Everybody is up in arms about the government listening in on people’s phone calls, or whatever. I’m unclear on the details of the whole scandal, but that’s because I don’t care. I probably could have something to say about the entire issue, but I just don’t think it’s really affecting me, because honestly, if anyone wanted to listen in on my phone calls, I would probably be in a mental institution by now. I have nothing to hide, except for the fact that I plot the untimely demise of any lover who’s ever scorned me, and that I spend my nights drinking wine while masturbating to Maroon 5 videos. Whatever. Everyone does that.
- Image via Policy Mic
4) Whatever sporting event is going on
I don’t know what season it is for sports right now. Is baseball happening? Who are the Spurs? Do the Blackhawks play football? I have no idea, but everybody is freaking out about some sporting event lately, and I don’t know why I should care. Is it a big deal? Will there be parties? How many Superbowls happen in a year? There are so many variables for this situation, and it seems like a lot of effort to follow whichever athletic activity is being heavily televised. It’s also tres fucking annoying that my boyfriend finds whatever sports thing is happening more important than answering my calls, texts, facebook messages, G-chats, Twitter mentions, and carrier pigeon attempts. Dick.
- Image via Sport Rant Man
5) The Biebs
Aside from finding out that Benghazi is a scandal and not an eligible Hebrew bachelor (#globallyaware), I also recently learned that Justin Bieber, Rachel Maddow, and the lesbian that taught my sociology class sophomore year were not the same person. Bizarre. As earth-shattering as this revelation was, I wasn’t ready to be inundated with Bieber fever every time I tried to go online to plan my imaginary wedding on Pinterest, or Zillow my latest boyfriend’s house(s). I don’t give a shit about what he’s wearing, or what he’s driving, or who he’s sticking his tiny Canadian dick in, because he’s a twelve-year-old fuck-up who might go away if we all ignore him.
- Image via Associated Press