Every girl has that one random guy that she shamelessly sexts via Snapchat when the days are long and things get boring. While your mother might insist that this will send you to hell in every religion, you should not be ashamed. It’s totally understandable; sometimes you’d rather express your friendship with certain people by sending each other raunchy pics instead of actually conversing. Some guys can only be tolerated when they’re naked, and that’s not your fault. There’s no guilt involved because it’s all through Snapchat, so your dirty pictures are only going to be seen by that lucky guy (well, him and the NSA). Naked pics are basically like flowers for guys. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work the same way for us. Sure, sometimes it’s fun to see a bit of flesh from one of your slams, but let’s get real: guys have no concept of appropriate timing. Count your blessings and thank the Snapchat gods if you’ve never opened your snaps to discover an unwarranted dick in any of the following situations.
1. Front Row Of A Lecture
Anytime you get together in a room with 100+ equally shameful college students, there is bound to be room for embarrassment. When you choose to sit in the front row, whether it be because you forgot to put in your contacts or for mere shits and giggles, you are sure to be on your best behavior. I mean, there are literally hundreds of unfamiliar eyes on your back. Oh, you want to check your Snapchat? No problem, you should be safe. NOPE. There’s his dick, well lit and visible for all those behind you to see for the few fleeting moments that your thumb is pressed on your screen. You’ve flashed a sizable amount of young adults and you have nothing left to do but cheer on Karma for doing such a great job of biting you in the ass.
Recovery: Lag behind after the class ends, and try to play it off as well as you can. Maybe people will think you’re staying behind to ask the professor a question, instead wallowing in your own shame and self-pity.
2. A Family Function
Is there ever a time when you’re less turned on than when you’re surrounded by all of your relatives? Probably not. Even though you’re drunk off the vodka sodas you’ve been sneaking around your aunts and uncles to avoid their assumptions about your excessive alcohol intake, you’re definitely not in the mood. So when you take a sec to open a few pictures and his dick is splayed across your screen, you want to vomit up the appetizers your grandma has been shoving down your throat.
Recovery: Screenshot for later. He might be pissed, but you have the boobs so you make the rules.
3. Chapter
You’re sitting there, angelic and reverent of your chapter’s traditions, maybe even in pin attire. Things are running a little slow (let’s be honest, chapter is such a bore), so you decide to mess around on your phone. After making sure the president and standards chair can’t see you, you open your snaps. BAM. A dick. Artless and awkwardly posed, there is a penis displayed on your screen for all of your sisters with the misfortune of sitting around you to see. You put it down quickly, but people definitely saw it and you’re forever going to be known as the girl who sexts during chapter. I’m not saying this has happened to me, but this has happened to me. I still don’t know exactly who saw it but I pray that it was someone who, like me, is unforgivably offensive and inappropriate.
Recovery: Spread word through your chapter that the dick belonged to someone on your school’s football team. Maybe someone on the defensive line–no one will believe you if you claim to be banging the quarterback.
4. With Another Guy
When you’re chilling with a guy, it’s expected that you’re within close proximity. That means there’s a good chance he’s got a clear shot of what’s on your phone. You got a few snaps? Damn, you’re so popular, this guy is lucky to be hanging out with you! Cue dick. Nothing says “crazy!” like a girl who appears to be so sexually promiscious that she has to look at another guy’s dick when there is one mere inches away from her. Maybe he pretended not to see, but who knows what is going through his head about you. What do you even say to make this situation better?
Recovery: Not possible.
5. Church
To be real, I already feel like a shitty person on the rare occasions when I’m visiting home and my parents force me to go to mass because I spend the entire time mentally piecing together the events of my drunken weekend. There is probably no worse place to do this, and it definitely makes me feel like crap, but it’s so boring that I pretty much have no other choice. When I sneak a peek at my phone and a fat dick basically slaps me in the face, my self-loathing skyrockets and there’s nothing to do but sit in silence and reflect on my shambly life. Doesn’t he know that I’m currently trying to save my soul? Like damn, it’s Sunday.
Recovery: At the very least, apologize to Jesus. He doesn’t need that shit in his crib.
Image via Mashable
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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