Colored Eyeshadow
I will say in extenuating circumstances, like a holiday or a mixer or any other activity where you’re dressing up in costume, colored eyeshadow is ok. Of course at night the occasional smokey eye is extremely sexy when done right. However, you should NOT be going over the top with eye shadow and it should NOT be colorful. My eyes are green so I’ll dabble in a neutral reddish tone to accentuate the color, and I think purpleish..emphasis on the ISH tones are supposed to be nice on hazel eyes. But if you are regularly putting blues and greens and yellows anywhere on your face, I hate you. This is not the circus, nor a middle school, nor a prostitution ring. You look ridiculous in real life and even worse in pictures. Too much eye makeup (ESPECIALLY in color) is really something for late middle schoolers, early high schoolers, and hookers. Seriously. Stop.
Eyeliner Mishaps
This is something that even good friends of mine are continually fucking up, but it needs to be said. Eyeliner does not belong on your water line. For those of you who failed the occular unit of anatomy and/or are morons, the water line…is that kind of pinkish, whitish, whatever-ish, portion of your eyelid right above your bottom lashes. You are not supposed to put makeup on it. Let me tell you something about eyeliner…it is supposed to accentuate your eye and make your lashes look longer and thicker. Putting liner INSIDE your eye closes your eye off and makes it look SMALLER. This is stupid. And it’s also slutty. You really shouldn’t even be putting much liner on your bottom lid at all…if you line your eye past your pupil, you also look stupid and slutty. A little bit of liner on the outer corner is all you need. If you feel absolutely incomplete without putting something on your waterline (you’re stupid) but try using white liner. It’s the same color as your eyeball so it makes them look BIGGER. Get it? You’re welcome.
Red Lipstick Problems
A lot of girls think they can’t pull off red lips. Wrong. You can. Everyone can do it, but the sad fact remains, not everyone does do it. It’s all about the right shade. You don’t just pick any red lipstick you fancy and face the day. That’s like offensive. You seriously need to determine your skin tone and decide whether you look best with a pinker red, or an oranger red, or deeper red. You make sure your clothes match each other, and you need to make sure your make-up matches your natural pallette. Generally if you have yellow undertone, you want an orange (yellow)-red, and if you have a blue undertone you want a pink (blue)-red. See? Common sense. If you’re having trouble, just ask an associate at Sephora or whatever department store makeup counter you’re loyal too. They can help, it’s their job. Another huge issue I see with red lipstick is too much gloss. You don’t need gloss with red lips, you’ve already drawn so much attention to them. If you have really big lips (I, unfortunately, do not), you can put a little gloss in the center of the bottom lip, but TRUST ME, that’s all you need. And most importantly…you have to pick an area to go big with. You wouldn’t wear a really loud top with a really loud skirt…similarly, you are not to do really intense eye makeup with red lips. It looks silly. It’s too much, and it’s the ultimate “Hey! Look at me! I’m trying too hard and look like a whore as a result!” Pick one. Less is more.
Failure to Blend
Not everyone wears a ton of face make-up, and that’s fine if you don’t feel you need it (except for the shit-ton of girls who think they don’t need face makeup when they actually totally need face makeup. Whatevs), but if you’re wearing a bronzer that is darker than your actual skin tone…you need to blend that shit. You look absolutely ridiculous when there is a line on the edge of your face giving everyone a clear indication that “this is not what I really look like.” In my personal opinion, it’s fine if your fake face isn’t exactly the same color as your real face…but it’s not fine if your face isn’t the same color as your neck. It’s not hard, ladies. The fact that you’re practically wearing a mask should be your little secret.
Blondes with Black On Their Faces
I have (when I’m tan) a slightly more olive skin tone and really dark hair. I wouldn’t call it black, but a four year-old probably would and might opt for the black crayon to color my hair when drawing a picture of me. So, when I elect to use ultra blackest black eyeliner and mascara, that is appropriate. If, however, I were really fair, and had say…blonde (or red) hair, and blonde eyebrows, and blonde lashes and I decided I’d give Midnight Black a whirl, I might as well put a welcome mat above my vagina that said “Come on in!” That is TOO dark for your skin and hair colors and it looks HORRIBLE. Seriously, it’s slutty. You should be using brown. You should also be aware, that you, my blonde friends, while you don’t have to worry about body hair and eyebrow maintenance with nearly the same vigor as your brunette friends, are absolutely not allowed to skip out on mascara or filling in your eyebrows for the day. A blonde girl who hasn’t put her face on is difficult for onlookers to view for an extended period of time. That would be the equivalent of me walking around with untamed eyebrows and thinking it was acceptable (it isn’t), except worse, because it looks like you have trichotillomania. Not cute.
Here’s to hoping you all learned something so that we may all have a more beautiful tomorrow.
Nice Move271
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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