Turning a hookup into a boyfriend is the pinnacle of achievement for any woman, but let me tell you, it is no easy task. Guys will do almost anything to avoid commitment, including allowing you to think you’re in a committed relationship without really being in one. The typical game plan is to just wait it out and hope that one day he’ll miraculously wake up one day and want to be in a relationship with you, which we all know never happens. Guys need a little bit of encouragement. They need some guidance to get off that path of multiple partners and onto the one-woman train.
It’s not easy. You can’t just ask a guy, “what do you want from this relationship?” If you’re thinking of asking you kind-of-not-quite-boyfriend that, you might as well give up now because that right there is a suicide mission. The key is to convince him to commit without really realizing that he’s giving up his sexual and emotional freedom. Here are a few ways to trick your hookup into monogamy without him even realizing it.
1. Drop Subtle Hints
Guys can’t read your mind, so you have to subtly
brainwash drop hints that you’re open to a change in your relationship status. Every time you hang out, say things like, “I could see myself being with someone who [insert one of his personality traits here],” or “I would do anal with someone I really love.” He’ll get the message, trust me.
2. Dramatically Increase Your Level Of Crazy
Guys love crazy girls, it’s a proven fact. Drop the sweet, kind, housewife act and start acting like a crazy bitch. Text bomb him a million times when you know he’s taking a test, show up unannounced to his house at odd hours, yell at him for no apparent reason. Most guys have the attention span of a fruit fly, so constantly jumping back and forth between completely sane and batshit crazy will just leave him wanting more.
3. Take Away All Other Options
The only reason most guys won’t commit is because they want options. They’re okay with hanging out with you, having sex with you, and generally enjoying your company, sure, but they always want the option to go do those things with other girls. Not on your watch. Slowly delete the numbers of any female-sounding name in his phone. The next time he wants to see what Amber is up to, her number is mysteriously going to be missing and he will be forced to settle for you out of convenience. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.
4. Become A Hypnotist
Sometimes relationships take work, so if you’ve been with a guy for awhile and he still won’t use the G word, it may be time to kick it up a notch. Find a local Eastern Medicine doctor and ask them to teach you the art of hypnosis. It might take a few months (or years) to get the hang of it, but it’s worth it. Once you’ve mastered the art of hypnosis, put your not-quite-boyfriend into a trance and use your newfound psychic abilities to make him fall in love with you and only you. When you snap your fingers, he’ll snap to attention and ask you what you want for dinner and if you’re available this weekend to meet his parents.
5. Sell Your Soul To The Illuminati
This is definitely a last resort option, but a necessary option for guys who say they “just want to have fun with you” and they’re “not looking for anything serious.” In order to get these kinds of guys to commit, you have to do the unthinkable: you have to sell your soul to the Illuminati. It’s the only way — they can make anything happen. I know, I know, the Illuminati controls the music industry, but after Beyoncé’s most recent album, they’re expanding their services to aid women dating guys who don’t understand the meaning of commitment. To contact the Illuminati, I think you just whisper Beyoncé’s full name five times into a microphone. Once you pledge your lifelong allegiance to the group, they turn your commitment-phobic hookup into a full-fledged boyfriend, no questions asked.
Okay, so these tips are a little extreme and maybe a bit unreasonable. What’s also unreasonable is waiting around for a guy who clearly doesn’t want a relationship to suddenly crave monogamy. It just doesn’t work that way. You can stall all you want and tell yourself and your friends that you just know he’s going to come around to the idea of sleeping with only one person eventually, but eventually there comes a point where you just have to give up. Some guys don’t want commitment, no matter how great of a person you are.
Or maybe try that Illuminati thing. Hey, it’s worth a shot. .