5 Quick, Easy, And Delicious Recipes For Your Drunchies


Upon preparing my first ever real meal, chicken and rice, in my apartment, I discovered my love for cooking. There’s just something about the smell of food in the air that makes me feel capable, like if the Food Network called me right then, I would invite a camera crew inside my kitchen. If I weren’t already three years into university life, culinary school would be the place for me.

It was on a Thursday night and most of the restaurants in my college town were closing. I was leaving my favorite bar when I remembered that I had fresh ingredients in my refrigerator that were still waiting to be chopped and seasoned.

After that night, I set out on a mission: I was going to create a Drunchies Cookbook, with recipes that even the most intoxicated of women could still manage to stir up. I came up with almost a half-dozen recipes that I’d like to finally share with the world. So, with that being said, bon apetit!

Pizza Rolls That Will Literally Leave Your Mouth Numb

What you’ll need:
• 1 box of Totino’s® Pizza Rolls (any flavor will do).
• A microwave.
1. Take the pizza rolls out of the bag/box. Just tear it open.
2. Literally just throw a handful in the microwave. And then another if you so desire.
3. You know what? Just dump the whole bag in the microwave.
4. Set the timer to a minute and a half, and then take one out to try. If it doesn’t burn your tongue, eat it anyway and then close the microwave back up and cook them again for another, like, thirty seconds, I guess. Keep doing this until there is actual steam coming out of the roll when it’s split in half — this is how you know they are perfect.

Easy Mac That Was Left In The Microwave All Night Because You Fell Asleep

What you’ll need:
• Kraft Mac & Cheese.
• A microwave.
1. Follow the instructions on the box of your chosen mac & cheese.
2. If I’m correct, it should tell you to cook this meal in the microwave for around three minutes.
3. Place your mac & cheese in the microwave, set the cook time, and go do other things while it’s cooking — wash your makeup off. Pee. Change into pjs. Get in bed. Fall asleep.
4. Forget that you made mac & cheese and either eat it in the morning or throw up upon finding it.

Bread Because You’re Puking And It “Soaks Up the Alcohol”

What you’ll need:
• Bread.
1. If you are already throwing up, wait until you trust yourself to stand up without feeling sick. If you are not already throwing up, but you’re feeling nauseous, grab that loaf and run like hell to the bathroom.
2. Between heaves, eat a slice or two.
3. Call your ex or best friend and let them talk you through it.
4. By the time you’re done, the entire loaf should be gone. Apologize to the person who bought it and promise them you’ll buy a new loaf tomorrow.

Potato Chip Crumbs In Bed

What you’ll need:
• That bag of chips that you ate way too much out of the day you got it so you’ve felt guilty about eating it ever since and now there’s an awkward amount left that you just haven’t been able to finish off yet.
• A bed.
1. Open up your cabinet and grab your chosen chip bag.
2. Bring it to bed.
3. Turn on your TV and put on a show that won’t make you cry.
4. Fall asleep, probably.

Your Roommate’s Refrigerated Dinner Leftovers

What you’ll need:
• A refrigerator.
• A roommate who likes to eat out.
1. When you get home, throw open your refrigerator.
2. If you have all your ingredients, then there should be a styrofoam box or two in there. It may have your roommate’s name written on it, which is fine. Take said box out of the refrigerator.
3. Eat its contents.
4. Once you finish your meal, be sure to get rid of all the evidence. Throw away the box and cover it up with more trash. There was no crime committed here.

You and your hangover can thank me later.

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If I'm not conducting the Hot Mess Express, I'm probably having a breakdown in the caboose.

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