5 Reasons I’d Rather Go Home With A Seth Rogan Than A Zac Efron

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I’m not going to lie, I definitely fantasize about somehow running into Zac Efron and having a steamy love affair, but I honestly think hot guys are overrated. I’m talking about guys with flat abs, huge biceps, and jaws that could cut glass. Bigger guys, like Seth Rogan, are often overlooked in favor of guys like Zac Efron, and I think that’s wrong. I’ve done my fair share of research (meaning I’ve gone home with both), and I’ve come to realize that I prefer bigger guys for a number of reasons.

1. They have a great sense of humor.
I cannot tell you how many times a Seth Rogan kind of man has made me laugh so hard my sides hurt. Of course, there are a few hot guys with a sense of humor, but those guys are rare. Hot guys don’t have to be funny because they can get by on their good looks — they never had to be funny. Bigger guys didn’t have a six-pack on their side, so they had to find something else to garner people’s attention. The Seth Rogans of the world are always and consistently funny, and in my opinion, that’s a million times better than being hot.

2. They will eat whatever you want.
Nothing is worse than being with a guy and being too self-conscious or embarrassed to chow down on a pizza. Or a hamburger. Or nachos. Or basically anything bad for you. Zac Efron’s diet probably consists of kale, tofu, celery, and a whole bunch of other organic vegan non-GMO gluten-free cardboard. He can’t just go to Taco Bell on a whim, and besides, he probably meal-preps so there’s no need. There’s no way he can keep a body like that eating the kind of garbage I shovel into my mouth on a daily basis. Guys like Seth Rogan, on the other hand, have the pizza delivery guy’s phone number on speed dial. They know all the best Chinese takeout places and will try anything if it’s fried. You can feel absolutely no guilt in telling him you’re craving Taco Bell, and that’s the kind of relationship I would want.

3. They are seriously great in bed.
You know what they say: big guy, big penis, or something like that. I don’t have the stats to back this up, but nearly every bigger guy I’ve been with has had a great dong. I’m talking top notch peen. Not only is it big, but big guys also know how to use it. It’s like they work harder to distract you from their average bod, and honestly, I don’t mind at all. They also really, really want you to come. They’ll eat you out for an hour and fuck you seven ways to Sunday if that’s what it takes. Hey, it’s the only exercise they’re getting so why not make the best of it. The Zac Efron’s of the world probably get off looking at their own washboard abs, and the second they’ve gotten theirs, sex is over. They might half-heartedly ask, “did you finish?” but they don’t care either way.

4. They are incredibly loyal.
If I was dating Zac Efron, I would never let him out of my sight for fear of him cheating on me with someone hotter, and the same goes for any hot guy. Those guys know they’re hot and they get off on the attention they get from their looks. The Seth Rogan guys are just happy to be having sex with someone a few times a week. They’re not going to go out and risk losing you by flirting with some other girl or even going home with her. They’re not interested in pleasing a ton of women — just you. If you have trust issues, date a Seth Rogan.

5. They never make you feel insecure.
You remember the scene from “Crazy Stupid Love” where Ryan Gosling takes his shirt off and Emma Stone refuses to take hers off because he looks “photoshopped”? Yeah, that’s how it feels to be with a Zac Efron. It’s intimidating, and even if you have a decent body and work out occasionally, no woman is 100 percent comfortable with her body and every flaw you have will feel like it’s the size of a billboard next to that kind of guy. You’ll still feel a little self-conscious and there’s no way you can get to the big O in that state of mind. And who doesn’t want to feel like a cute, little thing next to a big teddy bear like Seth Rogan? When you’re on top of a guy like that, you’re not worried about if he can see your double chin from this angle and if he thinks your thighs are too fat, you’re just enjoying yourself.

I’ll accept the weird looks I get when I tell people how attractive I think Seth Rogan is and when I insist that I preferred Chris Pratt when he had that little extra weight to him. I’ve come to realize hot guys with attractive bodies just aren’t worth it, and my sex life definitely agrees with me.

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