Like every good sorority girl, I
pretend to enjoy working out. After all, on lazy (read: hungover) days, the best outfit always includes Norts or leggings. Then, instead of looking like a hungover hot mess, you look like you’re sweaty from working out, not from the toxins and tequila attempting to leave your body.
When I do find time to go to the gym, I like my workouts to match my outfits–as in, I like them to be very trendy. In my quest to be eternally summertime skinny, I’ve tried a wide variety of exercise endeavors. I’d like to say I have no regrets, but my Pure Barre Groupon will always be one of them. It was a regular reminder that if working out felt as good as fro-yo tastes, the world would be a perfect place.
Here are five reasons why Pure Barre is pure evil.
1. It costs as much as purchasing a small island.
To participate in Pure Barre, you have to be willing to throw down beaucoup bucks to listen to a tiny lady tell you how to do tiny humping motions that look easy but feel like the fires of hell burning within. Honestly, if I wanted to practice humping, I’d find a boy and get some drinks out of him. Depending on where you live, the price of the class is upward of $30. While I like spending money, I’d rather be shopping. After you drop a couple hundo on the packages and gear, prepare to throw down for special socks so you don’t look even more ridiculous flailing around on the floor.
2. It’s Lululemon or bust.
Spoiler Alert: Every single person in your classroom will be a member of the Junior League at some point in her life if she isn’t already. The demographic is mostly Mayflower descendants or Daughters of the Revolution who regularly spend thousands on Lululemon leggings (I maintain they look exactly the same as Target ones, please don’t take away my sorority membership) for the sole purpose of showing them off to other ladies. Let’s be honest–no dude would come within a five mile radius of Pure Barre unless he’s looking through the window, creeping on you. When you sign up for Purre Barre, you receive a pair of sticky socks and they take away your man card.
3. It requires being summertime skinny, always.
Like Lulu leggings, Pure Barre is made exclusively for the skinniest girls in the world (and everyone knows sorority girls love exclusivity). The tiny thigh tube they give you must be to keep you coming back for more, because if you put on even half a pound, you won’t be able to squeeze your thighs inside it. While I love accessories, this is one ring I could do without. It is a good incentive to avoid an extra fro-yo topping, because that tiny tube can’t take it.
4. It’s a (tragic) reminder of how flexible you used to be.
If you do Pure Barre, you were probably a dancer or cheerleader at some point in your life, and it’s the perfect activity to remind you that you will never be able to easily slide into a split again. RIP, my youth–and flexibility. While the soccer moms in class have it under control in a serious way, if you don’t have the dollars or dedication to attend classes regularly, prepare to feel the burn.
5. It’s proof you’ll never be the ballerina of your childhood dreams.
I thought Pure Barre would make me feel like a ballerina, but I didn’t even get to wear a tutu. Sure, a bar is involved, but it’s not even the kind I like. There’s no pink, no toe shoes, and you’ll never get to be the Sugar Plum Fairy in “The Nutcracker.” I spent a lot of money on Pure Barre, but I would spend even more money if it meant I never had to do it again.