I’ve never met an alcoholic beverage I didn’t want to slam (except whiskey or some beer or whatever). But I pride myself on the large amounts of tequila I am capable of consuming. For some bitches, just the mere thought of tequila makes them cringe due to previous experiences. You probably accidentally dropped a margarita on accident and your dignity followed. So what? Shit happens. Why hold onto the past? It’s important to remember the good in life. And I shit you not, tequila is the Queen B out of all other peasant liquors
You Feel A Sense Of Accomplishment
For starters, tequila is, as some say, “an acquired taste.” If you have taste buds you know that’s a lie. When it’s ingested as a shot, you can either take the pain or you throw it up. This is how you sort the winners from the losers. If you’re capable of keeping down the tingling sensation in your throat, you know you made that shot your bitch. When you puke it up, well, you suck at life tbh. People constantly say they want to better themselves. That should include improving your alcohol tolerance as well. And what better way to do that than challenging yourself to a few tequila shots?
It Brings The Party To Life
Winners and losers aside, tequila makes everything much more fun. The music starts bumping, people start droppin’ like it’s hot, and everyone starts telling the truth. You suddenly turn into Nicki Minaj and twerk in a way that would make your father weep. You flirt with everyone, including the nerd you copy off of in chemistry. Your aura rubs off on the other people in the same vicinity and it suddenly becomes Project X. Or at least in your mind, it does.
A Little Goes A Long Way
Let’s talk dolla dolla bills yo. You’re in college, which means you aren’t big ballin’ anymore. You actually have to pay for your own groceries and textbooks and other things that don’t matter. The price of booze can get tragically expensive, at least if you want to get more than rosé-drunk in your dorm room with friends you won’t talk to after your freshman year. So how can you possibly afford drinks that will make gravity hate you in front of a hottie, yet still have the confidence to own your awkwardness? Enter tequila. This lovely alcohol doesn’t require much to consume in order to get hammered. The tequila alcohol percentages shit on the majority of other liquors, which means you don’t have to purchase as much to get shitfaced. Basically, drinking tequila saves you a fuck load of money while lifting you to the top of any elevated surface.
You Become Social Media Famous
Tequila kidnaps your social media accounts for only 1 to 6 hours, or however long you can last. But it’s fucking awesome and you need to thank this magical liquid. Sure, you might turn into an obnoxious monster, but usually the tweets are LOL-worthy the morning later. And when you scroll through your photo album, clearly no fucks were given the night before because the pictures are amazing and the camera was living for it. So yeah, Instagram is calling your name. Snapchat is filled with godforsaken videos of you cheers-ing to being pretty and shaking your ass. “But that happens with any kind of alcohol,” you might say. No shit it does. You just have more/better/wtf/funnier stories to share with your audience via photos, tweets, etc. when tequila-inebriated.
You Get In A Workout
If you want to look like you are a Victoria’s Secret Angel, but college edition, tequila is the shit you need to throw into your system when you go out. Hear me out. That guy you’ve always wanted to bone on the counter? This is your chance. You can’t deny that tequila makes you hornier and extra ambitious to fuck someone else’s brains out. And sex burns about 207 calories in 30 minutes. Google it. Also, for some reason a lot of chicks start to dance, which is obviously burning calories. Even if you’re fucking discoing or bumping and grinding, you are getting in some kind of workout compared to standing around with a watery drink in your hand. Sometimes you just feel like skipping with your arms flinging around and zero fucks given. Guess what? Skipping is exercising. Tequila is basically an endorphin booster in liquid form.
To sum it all up, tequila is pretty much the answer to all of your drunken prayers..
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Kellie Stritz
Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.
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