It is the sunshine on our rainy day. The macaroni to our cheese. The Kanye to our Kim. It is our beloved period. Did I say beloved? Just kidding. Periods are the freaking worst things that women have to endure. Yes, worse than douchebag boys, bad texters, and childbirth, our periods take the cake of ruining our lives. There’s nothing like them. Nothing like feeling like your ovaries are being set on fire and stabbed at the same time. Nothing like having mood swings worse than Amanda Bynes in her psycho days. Nothing like crying over running out of bagels. But the good thing about periods (besides not being pregnant) are all the things we can get away with just by using the excuse “I’m on my period.”
Okay, so maybe we don’t only do this while we are on our periods, but it is the perfect excuse to eat as much ice cream in as many flavors as I possibly can in one sitting. I don’t care that I’m an extra inch fatter right now due to water weight. I’m going to eat that fifth cookie and I’m going to enjoy it because I’m on my period and I can.
“Why does she look like a Crayola crayon in all her pictures? Why are you breathing so freaking loudly? Can you not look at me or blink in my direction please, thanks.”
Although we do say very harsh things, we cannot be held accountable for the things that come out of our mouths while we are menstruating. My hormones are so imbalanced that I can’t physically control my tongue or the sentences that my brain forms. I’m sorry I told you all of your clothes are hideous and you are annoyingly clingy with your boyfriend. I didn’t mean it, I’m on my period.
“I can’t go to the gym today, I’m on my period.” Do you know what running on a treadmill feels like when you have a tampon in? Death. That’s what it feels like. And getting out of bed when you have cramps that make you feel like you are a deer being skinned? Forget about it. Physical activity is absolutely a no go when you are on your period.
Social Media Stalking
I don’t care about any of my exes. Obviously, their lives are significantly less interesting now that I’m not in them, so what purpose does it serve to waste my time and data looking at their Instagram pages? But sometimes when I’m on my period, I need a little ego boost to make me forget about the three pounds in water weight I put on in one day. So yeah, I’ll go to my ex-boyfriend’s page to laugh at the Walmart version of me he replaced me with, but only because my period made me do it.
I know that Mufasa dies because Scar pushes him off the cliff. I know Simba can’t wake him up and thinks it’s his fault. I KNOW. But it’s still not going to stop me from ugly crying every time I watch The Lion King when I’m on my period.
In hindsight, you can pretty much use “I’m on my period” as an excuse for anything. Since we have to endure it, we might as well use it to our advantage. Miss class, tell that boy what you really think, and eat all the pizza you can fit into your mouth. You only have three to seven days to get away with it scot-free..