Think about how you met your boyfriend. Got it? Let me guess.
It was an unusually cold day in mid-October. Snow was falling (even if you don’t live in a place where it snows, it was snowing this day. Trust me). You ducked into a ~trendy~ coffee shop and brushed the snow off of your perfectly curled hair as the deliciously warm, coffee-scented air hit you. With adorably flushed cheeks, you approached the counter and smiled at the woman waiting to take your order. After ordering something that sounds high in calories, but actually makes you *lose* weight, you reached for your new, LV wallet.
“Oh, it’s all taken care of already!”
“What?” You ask, still pulling your black credit card out, just in case.
“Yeah, someone paid for you already!” She replied, closing the cash register.
“Who?!” You ask, eager to thank the mystery gift-giver.
The cashier just smiled and shook her head as she directed you down the counter. You stand at the end, wondering again who bought your drink for you. Just as you consider giving up, your order is called.
“Oh! I think this is yours!” A man says, holding up his cup as you reach for the new one.
“What?” You ask, turning around and gazing into the face of a long-lost Hemsworth brother.
“Yeah, I thought this was mine, but you ordered yours without whip. Mine, that one that was just called, has whipped cream,” he indicated at your cup with a grin on his face.
“Oh. Oh sorry!” You stutter, taken aback by his piercing blue eyes. “Wait, how do you know what I ordered?!” You ask, trading cups with him.
“Because I bought yours,” he said with a blinding smile. And then with a wink, he picked up his bag and left.
You glance down at your cup and see a phone number written in impressively-clean writing. So you text the number. You go out. You fall in love. He’s very rich and makes a lot of money and yes he’s well-endowed and yes he goes down on you like six times a week and then he gives you a giant ring and you live happily ever after.
Yeah. That’s about how it went down, right? Lol. J-fucking-k. Odds are you were bored one night, you swiped right on him, and after a few months of casual sex and mind games, you drunkenly confronted him about being official and he for some reason agreed. For a lot of people, apps are a great — and sometimes the only — way to meet that special someone.
The founder of Bumble, Whitney Wolfe, who has matched more people than you’ve seen in your life, gave some tips for landing the perfect guy. Or at least a guy to have mediocre sex with for a little while until you decide to get back with your ex.
1. Showcase Your Personality
Whether you’re a sarcastic bitch or as basic as they come, be who you are. Now before you declare your love for reality TV or say that you eat the souls of men for breakfast, realize something — you can be who you are without scaring people away. You can casually mention that you’re a fan of Khloé’s or that you enjoy emotionally castrating guys without making them realize what a psycho you are. So be yourself, but don’t be the weirdest, grossest, most unflattering version of yourself. That’s for when you’ve already trapped him.
2. No One Wants To Swipe Right On A Mirror Pic
Or a mirror anything. Grow up. Stop being so vain. Delete your Myspace already. A selfie or two in there is fine, but make sure to have some pictures that showcase your hobbies (or your fake hobbies), and ones taken by other people. I know it seems strange, but your awkwardly angled body in the grimy reflection of your shared bathroom next to your dandruff shampoo and tampons is not a winning profile pic.
3. No Group Photos
I get why you want to be in a picture with other people, especially if they’re uglier than you. But group photos are annoying and someone playing Where’s Slutty Waldo while trying to if you’re the one will get tired before giving you a chance. And trust me, even if your friends are ugly, he’s still thinking about fucking them. Stick to solo shots or limit yourself to just one group photo.
4. Embrace Who You Are Today Not Who You Used To Be
I know that picture from high school where you weighed 6,578 pounds less and had a tanning problem seems more flattering. And honestly, yes. It is. You looked better, didn’t love beer yet, and for some reason could stick to “no carb” diets. But if you want him to actually sit down through dinner without asking who the pale trashbag he’s on a date with is, you need to be honest. I’m not saying don’t filter or FaceTune. I’m not a monster. But make your current self look a little more flattering, not the self who used to eat celery instead of meal plan for a snack.
5. You’ll Never Know If You Don’t Ask
Whether it’s what he’s looking for, what he’s into, or how big his, uh, heart is. You don’t have to ask every question during the first conversation, but if you’re looking for something ~real~ don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and actually get to know him — not who you want him to be.
Ah, love..
[via Youtube]
Image via Youtube
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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