There is right and wrong, good and bad, and typically I invest my time, money, and energy on the latter. There are certain rules, however, that everyone should agree to follow when it comes to friendship, lest we become the “frenemy.” No one wants to be the metaphorical third friend reduced to trailing behind on the sidewalk or the girl we all bitch about in the actual group chat. So just follow these rules, and your fate is sealed.
1. Thou Shalt Not Hold A Friend’s Blackout Actions Against Her
Unless she slept with your boyfriend or your dad, everyone has those nights that they’re three pulls away from winding up in the ER. Yes, it’s annoying when she vomited Chipotle on your favorite Free People shirt, but contrary to popular belief guac is easy to get out with a few washes. And yes, it’s annoying when you have to leave the bar early because she’s crying because she figured out her ex blocked her on all social media, but it’s better you leave early anyway. This way, you don’t end up at your ex’s apartment. So when your girl loses Russian Roulette with her alcohol tolerance, hold her hair and don’t be that bitch that who brings it up at brunch the next morning.
2. Thou Shalt Not Hook Up With A Friend’s Long-Term Ex
Do I even need to address this? Don’t be an animal. Control yourself.
3. Thou Shalt Not Steal Her Clothes, You Fucking Klepto
I get that we all have bad habits, but when your friend winces and hands over that white romper she just knows you’re gonna spill Strawberita on, have the decency to return it. It’s painfully awkward having to do the whole, “hey girl, I’m sure you meant to give back my shirt but can you like return that? I wanna wear it tonight” thing. And I would just assume it would be painfully embarrassing to finally return that shirt you had “forgotten” about. She knows you were trying to take that bad boy home for the summer and you know that’s not cool. The only clothes you should be stealing are shacker shirts.
4. Thou Shalt Always Like A Friend’s Struggling Photo
Even if you warned her not to post it, even if you’re disgusted she allowed that stupid girl you hate in the photo, and even if you cringe every time she “candid” laughs — like the damn photo. It’s bad karma to scroll right past one of your best friend’s pictures and not double tap.
5. Thou Shalt Be A Good Listener
We all have that friend who doesn’t really listen when you bitch. She nods with that blank stare that indicates she isn’t listening and is only thinking about what she wants for dinner. “Yeah… sucks, so should I have Panera or Jimmy John’s?” Don’t be the bitch who only has time to complain about her own fuckboy. If it’s a one-woman show, people are going to stop attending. No one likes the girl who barely waits for you to finish the last syllable of your short-winded rant to quickly remind you that yeah, the same thing happened to her but like, worse. Nothing like a friendly competition of “my problem is shittier than yours” to make you feel better!
“I mean that’s just like, the rules of feminism.”.
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