In college, you learn to put up with a lot of bullshit: that sleazebag you dated freshman year, that professor who doesn’t understand that leaving for your favorite frat’s formal is much more important than your midterm exam, your standards chair who thinks you’re “vulgar and inappropriate” (like that’s a bad thing). However, the worst offenders of bullshit are people every girl in college has encountered: sucky roommates.
We’ve all had one, whether she was your freshman year dorm roommate who got up at 6 a.m. to do her hair and makeup for class, or your roommate in the sorority house who borrowed your shower shoes on the reg. Before you set fire to her mildewed towels that have been in the washer for three days, take a look at how to survive the most wretched of roommates.
When They Eat Your Food: On your walk back from class, all you can think about is that leftover Olive Garden you have in the fridge that you’re going to eat for lunch. You walk into your apartment, ready to nom on some ravioli, when you find one of your roommates devouring your meal like a rabid dog. That bitch. Instead of brushing it off or making some passive-aggressive comment, do the most logical alternative: the next time you go out, instead of ordering a pizza or buying a burrito as your drunk food of choice, binge eat on your food-stealing roommate’s food supply. Don’t feel bad about eating the good stuff, like the pizza rolls she was saving for emergency cravings. All is fair in love and carbs.
When They Drink Your Alcohol: This is a cardinal sin in the Bible of roommate rules. Never, unless they offer, should you ever drink your roommate’s booze. Despite this sacred commandment, we’ve all had that roommate who thinks you won’t notice when she sneaks three glasses of your wine. Joke’s on her, because it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure out the bottle you were saving is now open and halfway empty. To stop the booze stealer from swiping your sweet nectar again, you need to teach her a lesson. Put a generous amount of the booze stealer’s vodka into a flask and replace said vodka with water. Very high school, but also incredibly effective. She’ll think twice about swiping your hard-earned booze once she takes a shot of her mediocre, watered-down vodka. Give her back the flask of alcohol once she promises to stick to her own stash.
When They Come In Being Loud On A Weeknight: For the first time all semester, you’re in bed before midnight. In college, this is the unicorn of sleep patterns. You have a huge exam tomorrow, so you’re taking full advantage. You’ve been asleep for about thirty minutes when you hear Tweedledee and Tweedledum come in from the library, screaming at the tops of their lungs about something irrelevant. For God’s sake, it’s a Tuesday and they just came back in from the fucking library — why are they so happy? Now you’re awake and pissed off, and, of course, you can’t go back to sleep. Time to pull out the big guns. Kindly ask them to shut the fuck up or you’ll post pictures of the times they’ve both peed the bed after drinking too much the night before on Facebook. Of course you took pictures, and no, you’re not afraid to use them.
When Their Boyfriend(s) NEVER EVER Leave: Okay, you get it, they’re in love, but you’re going to lose your shit if you fall into the toilet in the middle of the night one more time because her boyfriend doesn’t know how to put down the seat. Sure, he’s probably super nice, but there’s a fine line between “Oh, you’re staying the night again?” and “Wait, so do you pay rent here now? Because you never leave.” Sometimes it’s not a big deal, but when he starts using your toiletries and eating your food and leaving his pube shavings and toenail clippings around, something needs to change. To scare this sweaty, hairy man away for at least a couple days, you need to make things as awkward as you possibly can. Walk around with no pants on. Talk about how awful your period has been this month. Describe your Brazilian wax in great detail. Really anything that has to do with vaginas or your menstrual cycle should do the trick. You’ll have your toilet seat back in two days or less, guaranteed.
When They Borrow Your Things Without Asking: This is probably the most annoying thing your roommates will definitely do. Yeah, you know your wedges are super cute, that’s why you’re going to wear them out tonight — OH WAIT, never mind. Your clepto roommate just posted on Instagram and she’s wearing them. Just because you live with a bunch of girls, it doesn’t mean you have full access to multiple closets. You don’t mind letting people borrow your clothes, but asking is just common courtesy. If your roommate won’t follow proper clothes borrowing protocol, hide her very favorite article of clothing until she returns what she borrowed of yours. Your favorite wedges will return to their rightful home in no time.
Even though these tips require you to be conniving and deceitful, it’s the only way to survive in this dog-eat-dog roommate world. If and when you’re seriously considering flushing her twelve-pack of Diet Coke down the toilet, take a deep breath, remember the guide, and construct your plan of attack. Best of luck, soldier..