50 Shades of Awful Cosmo Advice

So it’s a great thing that I have no delusions of any kind of integrity as a writer, since the first time I did this I swore to myself never again. However, then Fifty Shades of Grey happened, and of course our friends at Cosmopolitan magazine had to have a whole feature of sex tips based on BDSM which I couldn’t resist. This comes from the same issue that, I kid you not, suggests the following to seduce your man: Blue ball him first thing in the morning, Call him right before lunch when he’s going to be hungry and tell him he’s not getting dinner until you have sex, Text him in the afternoon when he’ll be trying to wrap things up with a “line from an erotic book”, and then hand him your underwear when he walks in the door. Personally, I can’t think of a more frustrating or rage-inspiring day that you could create for a man, but the woman who wrote this is somehow in possession of a PhD. I honestly can’t tell you whether the ideas on dominating him or the reverse are more disturbing.

You’re wearing the Pants/Strap-On

“Bite his inner thigh right where his balls are resting. Being a little too close for comfort is a rush.”
This terrified me and I swear to God I don’t have any testicles. I’ve seen what happens when an errant tennis ball hits that area, and I’m talking 3.0 country club tennis, not Andy Roddick circa 2004 serves. Why on earth would you BITE anywhere near there? No.

“During sex, stick your finger in his mouth and order him to suck it.”
Like I guess I can envision the finger sucking thing happening, God knows I’ve witnessed that shit in bar booths on more than one occasion. But demanding any activity that causes your supposedly straight boyfriend to make the dick sucking face is a bad plan.

“Order him to paint your toenails while you wear a mini with no undies.”
Ok besides the fact that this seems like an activity that could only possibly turn on creepy foot fetish guys…what the hell kind of man would you ever want painting your toenails? Like ask for a foot rub instead if that’s y’all’s thing. But I don’t let people touch my feet so the whole thing is just really eww to me.

“Have him lie on the floor totally naked. Shimmy into a pair of thigh high boots and walk in circles around him, stopping to press the heel of your boot into his bare skin.”
These chicks must not get out much because they’ve obviously never been victim of the stiletto stomp on a dance floor from a drunk bitch. A drunk bitch who is, say, not accustomed to wearing six inch heels…much like the people who would try this.

“As you’re riding him, clamp down on his earlobes and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward.”
Here I can only think what in the actual fuck. You’re not going to move yourself via yanking on his earlobes. You’re going to hurt his ears and yank his neck around. The human anatomy does not work like that and I try to avoid bruising people’s earlobes in general, unless I’m babysitting them.

“Using your thumb and pointer finger, make a circle and press it firmly against his ball sack so the skin is pulled taut. (he’ll be able to withstand more pain than he would if they were just hanging loose) Tap your fingers firmly over the area, then move onto light scratching.”
These girls at Cosmo just really hate balls, I think. I mean, ladies, I know they’re not pretty, they’re kind of foreign, and look like a mix between a pair of nectarines and those tumors that grow off really old dogs, but show them some respect. Gentle. It’s not an area that you can just claw at with no repercussions.

His turn to take control

“Strap one of his belts around your waist and let him hold onto it like a leash while you two have sex.”
I think stuff like this is a thing. Leading people around on leashes and the like. I also think that is not where the target demographic of Cosmopolitan magazine is going to be going with any BDSM play. Some things need to be left to pros. Or porn stars.

“Lie across an ottoman and tell him, ‘Professor Wankerton, I’ve been bad and I need a spanking.’”
If your guy responds to this with anything other than hysterical laughter, he has a major personality disorder and you should break up with him immediately. Best case scenario he figures you want to have sex so he’ll go with it, but it’s not going to inspire his inner beast to hear that nonsense. Most likely this will cause his penis to actually retract back into his abdomen.

“Introduce him to a tracing wheel (it’s like a blunt edge pizza cutter) and tell him to roll it gently over your clitoris.”
I’m sorry, but when it comes to any kind of instrument that resembles a pizza wheel (which has that silly little hinge thing in the middle that seems like it could cause problems) I don’t want it going anywhere NEAR there. I’m pretty sure they do stuff like this in Africa and National Geographic has reported the women don’t appreciate it.

“Tell him to use his tie to create a gag for you- it’s soft enough that it won’t hurt too much. Have scissors on hand in case he has trouble untying it.”
I like you girls. So I’m going to have to assume you are dating a guy that has a nice silk tie that he is unwilling to ruin rather than something he picked up at a Men’s Wearhouse in a bulk pack. However, if it’s the latter, then run. And more importantly, if he cannot reliably untie a necktie, you’re doing more things wrong in that mate selection process than I have time for here.

“Have him create a homemade whip with a small hand towel and whip your backside with it. He should…learn the difference between snapping his wrist rapidly versus a slow follow-through.”
If he doesn’t already know how to whip someone with a towel from, I don’t know, growing up as a well-socialized child in America, that’s a red flag. It’s also not a sexy thing. If you don’t immediately have flashbacks to the first time you attacked another female at age 8 when someone does that to you, you were obviously in the wrong Country Club.

“Have him run an electric toothbrush between your toes midforeplay. He shouldn’t stop no matter how much you squirm.”
This just sounds outright dumb, but I had a guy friend end up with a broken nose in a pretty similar incident, so I wanted to just end with that warning. Take precautions.

And finally, while this gem was in the male dominance category, it was just so atrocious that not only did it inspire me to break a promise that I made to myself, it needed to be separated, so it may stand out, and all of you are forced to experience the horrible lasting impression that I am left with.

“Put a bunch of clean loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to stick your vulva with warming lube then cover it with the cold coins. The cold against the warm? Incredible.”
I just have no words for this, and by “I have no words” I mean I have a lot of words. First and foremost, the only people who should have loose change in their vagina are impoverished sex slaves in southeast Asia. Second, there is really no getting a decades old coin clean. The only way this will end is with you as the human, gonorrhea infested piggy bank and a really awkward conversation at the gynecologist about why it required forceps to remove a nickel from your vag.

Follow me on twitter: @Sratire

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