You’re taller than I am, even when I wear my slutty heels.
You spent more than $50 on the date.
You have a different name than my ex-boyfriend.
You have the same name as my ex-boyfriend.
You are my ex-boyfriend. #oldhabits
You ordered dessert even though I didn’t ask for dessert.
You tucked my hair behind my ear.
I’m pretty sure you have that delicious, muscular “V” on you lower abs.
You’re two years older than I am, so, like, mature.
You’re two years younger than I am, so, like, cougar.
My best friend told me to.
My best friend told me not to, but I make my own decisions, dammit.
You opened the car door for me.
You opened the restaurant door for me.
You basically just opened anything. Yes, including my legs.
You said that my hair looked sexy pushed back.
Tinder said we’d be good together.
I think I’m ready for motherhood. (Did I forget to mention I’m not on the pill?)
You bought me a drink.
Drinks were free, but whatever. You handed it to me.
You’re in the same fraternity as my ex.
A fortune cookie told me I would do something special tonight. So…I’ll do you.
I lost three pounds and I want to show it off.
I gained three pounds and want to make sure guys will still sleep with me.
You held my hand. In public.
I’m just, like, really horny.
Your fraternity is going someplace awesome for formal, and I make a damn good cooler.
You’re friends with my best friend’s boyfriend, so, it’s meant to be.
I shaved my legs.
I don’t want the whole getting ready, putting on makeup, and going out thing to be a waste.
I’m going through a breakup and want to get over it by getting under someone else.
I’ve had a crush on you for a very long time, despite the fact that, like, your ex was cheer captain and I sit in the bleachers. #HeyTSwift
My roommates are out of town, and I’d feel lame not putting the empty house to good use.
I just watched “The Notebook.”
I’m hoping if you realize how great I am in bed, you’ll make me your girlfriend.
Then marry me.
And we’ll stay together forever, and ever, and ever.
You have sexy, tasseled, blonde hair.
You have sleek, combed, brown hair.
You have…interesting red hair, and I’m super curious to see if the curtains match the drapes.
You have hair. Not like, excessive hair. But a normal, male amount of hair.
You just have a really, really nice body.
You did the
naked man. You don’t really have a nice body, but I was bored and it’s charity.
And yes, I’m putting it down for community service hours.
“Slept with the less fortunate. And less hot.”
I knew it was going to happen anyway, and I kind of wanted it over so I could watch “Say Yes to the Dress,” which is starting in, like, five minutes.
You’re my boyfriend and I felt bad for turning you down all week.
You’re my boyfriend and I’m completely in love with you and we have awesome sex and all my friends hate me.
Don’t flatter yourself. I was drunk. And bored. And it meant nothing.
But, like, call me. Maybe.
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