52 Times Cookies Were Bae, For National Cookie Day

52 Times Cookies Were BAE

This one is for the cookies, because you really are bae.

  1. When your shitty ex-boyfriend said he “needed space.”
  2. And when that space led to him hooking up with that slut from his astronomy class.
  3. When you weren’t going to wait for dinner.
  4. When it came in a festive shape, like a pumpkin, a Christmas tree, or a penis.
  5. When you were PMSing.
  6. When you were on your period.
  7. When you weren’t on your period, but you still had a lot of feelings.
  8. When they were two-for-one at the store, so you told yourself it was a good idea.
  9. In raw dough form.
  10. Even though the package said not to consume it in raw dough form and you did anyway, because you’re a badass.
  11. When it came in the chocolate chip variety.
  12. When the bakery man gave you one for free, and it was the best day ever.
  13. When it had sprinkles on it.
  14. After a night of emotional drinking.
  15. Or after any drinking, for that matter.
  16. When it had red icing and was shaped like a heart. Even though, like, fuck Valentine’s Day.
  17. When you got home from school and your mom baked a fresh batch, because life as a fourth grader was tough.
  18. When you needed to win over your bitchy social studies teacher.
  19. When they joined together with M&M’s and created something magical.
  20. When you smelled them and knew that yes, the calories, fat, and possible health hazards were totally worth it.
  21. When wine was involved.
  22. When it made eye contact with you at Panera or Starbucks and you knew that it was meant to be.
  23. When sweater weather came around.
  24. When you thought watching “The Fault In Our Stars” was a good idea.
  25. When two of them hugged a scoop of ice cream, resulting in the most delicious sandwich ever made.
  26. When you needed to bring something to the potluck and the idea of cooking freaked you out.
  27. When they came in the sugar variety.
  28. And when they came in the Pillsbury sugar variety with those holiday designs on top, and you knew that life was about to get better.
  29. When your best friend was mad at you and you needed a bribe.
  30. When a glass of milk was placed in front of you.
  31. When you were wearing yoga pants and thought, “What the hell?”
  32. When you realized that “Your Song” by Elton John was actually written about a warm cookie.
  33. When you were bored at Grandma’s house.
  34. When you instagrammed it and hashtagged #fitfam and #cleaneating.
  35. When it came in giant, cookie-cake, form.
  36. When you needed something easy to convince your boyfriend you knew how to work an oven.
  37. When you watched the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show and gave up on life.
  38. When boys did dumb shit.
  39. Which was and is basically all the time.
  40. When they came in a healthy oats and protein variety.
  41. And even though those tasted fucking disgusting, you respected them for trying new things and going out of their comfort zone.
  42. When you realized that you will never become Kate Upton.
  43. When they sold them for 50 cents in high school and you ate, like, four for lunch.
  44. And you could totally do that, because it was high school and your metabolism didn’t hate you yet.
  45. And yet, you don’t even care now, because they’re worth it.
  46. When you hoped they would go straight to your boobs.
  47. When everyone on Facebook got engaged.
  48. And had babies.
  49. And took cute pictures in front of their Christmas tree.
  50. When you and the cookie had a threesome with Netflix.
  51. When you accepted the fact that they taste JUST as good as being skinny feels.

No matter what happened, no matter where you were, and no matter when it was, cookies have always been there for you. Through the good and the bad, cookies had your back when no one else did. They truly get you, and they will never, ever break your heart. Just maybe your zipper. Happy National Cookie Day to the true love of our lives. Cookies, you just get it.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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