Columns

55 Ways You’ve Already Failed At 2015

55 Reasons You Failed at 2015

  1. You’ve already seriously considered skipping a class.
  2. And then you actually did skip class.
  3. But only because it was raining. And it’s syllabus week. And, you know, pants.
  4. That guy who you promised yourself you’d block in 2015? Yeah. You’ve already “reconnected.”
  5. Twice. In one night.
  6. You’ve already made a million excuses for having broken your New Year’s resolutions.
  7. “I’ll start my diet AFTER my birthday.”
  8. “I’m pretty sure butter isn’t a carb.”
  9. “It doesn’t count if I’m drunk.”
  10. Like, LOL at New Year’s resolutions.
  11. You’re still swiping right, even though you know you won’t find your soulmate on a sex app.
  12. The fact that you know you won’t find your soulmate on a sex app and yet you still complain about not finding your soulmate. This is why you don’t deserve a soulmate.
  13. You already hate the standards chair, and you haven’t even been sent to standards yet.
  14. You still stalk his ex, because, unfortunately, she still exists in 2015.
  15. You still stalk your ex, because, unfortunately, he still exists in 2015.
  16. You can’t get over the fact that tofu tastes like shit and burgers are great, even though you were totally going to be a level-seventeen vegan this year.
  17. “What’s the gym?”
  18. You’ve already worn yoga pants more times than it’s socially acceptable.
  19. Let’s be honest, you’ve left the house without a bra already, too, haven’t you?
  20. You used the calculator on your phone to do really, really easy math.
  21. “But what if two plus three isn’t five this time…?”
  22. Diet soda continues to be a staple in your diet.
  23. Yes, you know it has rat poison and it causes cancer, but it doesn’t have calories, so, like, #sorry.
  24. “Wait, chapter started this week? Oops.”
  25. You’re still spending $6 on a cup of coffee, even though there is a perfectly functional coffee maker in your apartment.
  26. And in your boyfriend’s apartment.
  27. And in your sorority house.
  28. Basically, there are coffee makers at every single location in your life, and you still choose to buy overpriced coffee from places that can’t spell the most basic names in the English language.
  29. “It’s R-A-C-H-E-L.”
  30. And you still give a shit about the fact that baristas spell your name wrong.
  31. You’ve gone out on a weekday. Any weekday. Every weekday.
  32. And you were hungover the entire next day, which was also a weekday.
  33. You know that you should be studying, preparing for life, or interning somewhere, but instead, you’re watching videos of ugly babies on the internet.
  34. And you’re making a list of potential baby names.
  35. Ones that won’t be spelled wrong at Starbucks, because you wouldn’t wish that shit on your ugly, imaginary baby.
  36. You haven’t flossed every night like you said you would, and your dentist will totally know that you’re a dirty-mouthed liar.
  37. You’re already planning fake philanthropies to volunteer at.
  38. “Yeah, I completed my hours at the annual ‘Drink Beer and Hold Cute Puppies Fest.’ It’s, like, totally a thing.”
  39. Actually, can that be a thing? Pretty sure it would be better than any of the 5Ks, dinners, or sports-related events you’ve hosted in the past.
  40. Also, considering what your idea of philanthropic service is, you did not secure a spot on the 2015-2016 executive board.
  41. And if you did get a spot, you’ve already broken, like, half of the chapter’s rules.
  42. Despite every piece of advice you received from Gossip Girl, Sex and the City, and any other girl-power sitcom, you chase boys in addition to drinks.
  43. And then you triple-text them, even though that’s totally against the rules of feminism.
  44. You still say “fuck” way too much.
  45. You have included a video of yourself singing in the car to your Snapchat story.
  46. Because we literally have never heard anyone singing “Blank Space” in the car before. So creative.
  47. You’re still sending full-on emoji text messages.
  48. You don’t care if it’s 2015 — you’re in your twenties, and you are working toward a college degree. Hair flip girl is always relevant.
  49. You got a record player for the holidays, but you only have Taylor Swift vinyls for it.
  50. You’re still drinking moscato.
  51. Have you even written your thank you notes yet? Exactly.
  52. You’ve instagramed your food.
  53. And hashtagged #foodporn, because that hasn’t gotten annoying, dumb, and boring yet.
  54. You’re still using someone else’s Netflix, even though you don’t actually speak to the owner of the account anymore.
  55. But you totally have to finish every single episode of Friends because that’s your new New Year’s resolution — and you don’t want to set yourself up for failure. Besides, they’ll always be there for you when the rain (and wine) starts to pour.

Email this to a friend

Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

5 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More