1. You have a password to every streaming service known to humankind.
2. And a few most people probably don’t know about it.
3. Because honestly, who the hell else knows what “Crackle” is?
4. Plus you’ve actually purchased a few subscriptions yourself because, you know. Desperate times.
5. Weekends are spent avoiding other humans as much as possible.
6. And pants? What are pants?
7. The thought of wearing jeans, a bra, and makeup is enough to make you want to die.
8. Whenever you go to “your” bar, you’re starting to realize how gross it actually is.
9. Like, why is there never any toilet paper?
10. Why are the floors alway sticky?
11. Why does the air smell like vomit and a girl who could be your great-grand little is dancing on the makeshift stripper pole?
12. Oh wait. That is your great-grand little dancing on the makeshift stripper pole.
13. Because yeah. You have a great-grand little. That’s how old you are.
14. You don’t know the name of the bouncer anymore.
15. Or the bartender.
16. Or the slutty girl giving out shots.
17. And you’re 96 percent sure that you’ve never made out with any of them.
18. Or at least, you haven’t made out with all of them.
19. Your fridge is filled with like, lettuce. And healthy stuff instead of pizza rolls and shame.
20. And not only do you know where the gym is. But you’ve been to it. Multiple times.
21. You spend more time looking for jobs, perfecting your resume, and filling out applications than you do on Tinder.
22. And you don’t even bother playing games with randoms at bars anymore.
23. You just cut to the chase and take them home. Because those sluttily steamy, over-the-pants moments by the bar bathrooms are soooo sophomore year.
24. You honestly can’t remember the last time you put on a pair of heels.
25. And you’ve shown up to a bar in norts and a t-shirt, because at this point, it doesn’t even matter.
26. Sleep until noon? Not you. By that time you’ve gone to the gym, deep conditioned your hair, and created world peace — all before your younger friends have even gotten hangover brunch.
27. Speaking of brunch, you love that shit.
28. And you’ve seamlessly transitioned from staying out all night drinking to utilizing day drinking.
29. You don’t fuck will well vodka anymore.
30. Or tequila. Like, at all.
31. Whenever anyone wants to go out, you instantly think of excuses.
32. Because you really do need to study.
33. And your econ homework really won’t do itself.
34. And you have a whole season of Game of Gossip Kardashians: House of Girls or whatever that you really need to catch up on.
35. Your tolerance is so high, you never actually get drunk anymore.
36. And you can’t really remember a time when you had to beg your big to buy you alcohol or ended an evening without a glass or three of wine.
37. Or, your tolerance is so low that one drink gives you a buzz.
38. And thinking back on the days when you would start drinking a twelve and taking shots at two give you PTSD hangovers.
39. And I mean, p.m. 12 p.m.
40. You’d much rather invite a guy over to watch TV and eat pizza than make out in the back of some shitty club.
41. And lol at dry humping with a guy on the dance floor.
42. You’re actually starting to enjoy bars that have comfortable seating, music not being played at a deafening volume, and small plates.
43. Because if there’s one thing you love more than canceling plans to go to some shit-hold bar, it’s getting casually drunk while munching on some tapas.
44. The thought of standing on top of a bar makes you cringe in embarrassment.
45. And anytime anyone calls you by your 19-year-old nickname, you lowkey want to die.
46. You get it. You used to flash people a lot. But now that you’re twenty-two, “Tits Out Tiffany” isn’t as cute.
47. The memories (and tagged Facebook pictures) of you doing body shots last year still haunt your dreams.
48. You’ve officially retired from being the pregame host after spending years cleaning the vomit out of the sink. And the toilet. And the carpet.
49. Your little asks why you never go out anymore.
50. And the grandma emoji is being thrown your way more and more as the amount of plans you flake on increases.
51. Because even if you do go out, you usually leave by 1 a.m. because all you want to do is lay in bed.
52. You can’t remember the last time you drunk texted your ex fifteen times in a row.
53. And that’s not just because you deleted the evidence, either.
54. You have a boyfriend. One that you actually sort of like.
55. And you’d rather stay in with him and lounge on the couch than stand in wedges and fight off freshman boys who could also be fetuses.
56. You’re buying more clothes from Target, organic juices, and “adorable” things from the dollar section (because yes, you need this mini chalkboard easel).
57. And fewer crop tops, rum handles, and flavored condoms.
58. Some days, you don’t have a hangover when you wake up.
59. And no matter how many times your friends make fun of you, your emoji is replaced by an elderly person, or you’re called lame for not wanting to stand in line at a shitty bar all night, you know that truth — it’s only a matter of time before they join you.

We might not have wristbands and Burnett’s, but what we have is even better. An air of sophistication, great (while still cheap) wine, and delicious finger goods. Welcome to the other side..

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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