There are a few really shitty things about being single:
- Having to go down the “frozen meals for one” aisle at Target.
- Valentine’s Day.
- Your grandchild-hungry family constantly asking if you’ve met someone.
Liu Hung, a 32-year-old man from China, decided that he was tired of it. Tired of eating meals alone. Tired of celebrating holiday after holiday with in-love family members. Most of all, he was tired of his parents nagging him to find someone. All of his brothers had significant others and his parents took it upon themselves to make his life hell until he found “the one.” Basically, it’s the story of our lives. And, just like us, love wasn’t exactly happening for Liu. Despite the fact that he was ridiculously wealthy, he couldn’t seem to land (or lay) a girlfriend. Maybe he’s a mouth breather or he wears cargo shorts. Whatever it was, the ladies weren’t biting and his parents were worried — so worried that they made it their mission to annoy the shit out of him every chance they got. Finally, in a desperate attempt to snag a wife, he decided to, well, literally snag a wife.
He went to a park near his home and crouched down in the bushes until a woman walked by. Then, in complete Christian Grey style, he got out some rope, tied her up, and brought her back to “their” home. What better way to start “happily ever after” than to hide in the shrubs and pounce on the first woman to walk by?
The next day, our creepy prince charming informed his future baby mama that they were going to get married. Surprise! He set off into town to arrange the festivities while his tied up bride-to-be got to ponder her future. Here she thought this was a regular kidnapping! Turns out, she actually landed the jackpot: a really rich guy who didn’t give a shit what she looked like. Unfortunately, because bad things happen to good people, she was already in a relationship. (First a boyfriend, now a husband? We get it, guys like you.) She managed to get her arm free and call her boyfriend on her fiancé/kidnapper/mouth breather’s landline. Her boyfriend then contacted the police, who arrested our boy Liu right as he was getting home with the wedding documents.
He admitted to kidnapping the girl, most likely because she was tied up in his living room, but he said that it was the only way to get his parents off of his back. This is absurd, because with that rich banker salary, I’m confident that he could have found love here in America. Next time he’s looking for love, here are a few better methods of getting a woman to say “I do.”
- Show her your bank statement. I know people say money can’t buy you love, but those people are wrong. Money can absolutely buy you love, and if you’re a 32-year-old bachelor, you might need it to.
- Take her to see Wicked on broadway. Everyone knows that musicals make ladies give up their ring finger virginity at warped speed.
- Tell her she’s pretty. A lot. Just trust me.
- Post “couple” pictures on every form of social media as often as possible. #WCW? More like Woman Crush Every Hour Of Every Day.
- Let her have the last bite of anything. Even if she says no. That last bite is the key to a happy wife, happy life, and happily cared for penis.
- Post that you’re “single and ready to stop mingling and start looking into private schools for your future children.” Trust me, tons of bitches will slide into you DMs.
Ultimately, maybe in China women don’t understand what’s important. But here? Here we see beyond things like looks, family background, and hobbies, and we marry someone for what he truly is: filthy rich. If you don’t find love in the big house Liu, let me know. I’m great with parents and even better with a credit card..
Image via Shutterstock