6 Outfits You Cannot Hook Up In


There are places and times where certain things are just unacceptable. It is unacceptable to hook up with someone when you haven’t shaved anything in over a week. It is unacceptable to invite two different guys out with you and then wonder why they both lose interest. It is unacceptable to compromise sex for beauty because beauty fades but sex is pretty great always, so these are the outfits you absolutely must stay away from if you are trying to get laid.

Body suits
Flattering. Sexy. But so awkwardly put together when it reaches your crotch region. Men have a hard enough time trying to figure out how to take a bra off, when they hit your vagina, the last thing they are going to expect is to try to figure out how to unbutton your body suit. They are ready for the action by the time they get down there, so imagine the thought process these guys must have, “What is this? An adult diaper? A one piece swim suit? A leotard she wore to gymnastics in 6th grade?” Not a good look.

Sticky Boobs
These. Are. The. WORST. It is mortifying when things are starting to get hot and heavy and the guy reaches up your shirt only to find you having chicken cutlets suction cupped to your tits. Now, I have been in a predicament like this before where I was able to rip my sticky boobs off before the guy could even know I had them on, but if you don’t have speed, precision, and accuracy, ABORT MISSION. Or how about if the guy takes off your shirt for you while you are wearing sticky boobs? At first glance it just looks like you don’t have any nipples. YIKES. He will abort mission at that point.

I don’t even know if I have to make an argument for rompers because they are already awful. Besides having to get fully naked to go to the bathroom, they give you an ungodly camel toe and wedgie. Yes, it gives you both at the same time. A woman’s dream come true, am I right? So this is also a no-go outfit when you want to end the night with a “romp.” Think of how long it takes you to get into a romper. You have to have someone else zip it, tie it, then you have to wiggle around in it until it fits semi-okay. If you want easy removal of clothing, rompers are not the way to go.

Going along with the theme here of clothing being easily removed, togas are the worst. Literally, the worst. Lots of unwrapping. Just imagine the guy holding the end of your toga while you frantically spin around trying to untangle yourself. You might as well be covered in toilet paper. And let’s not forget to mention when you have to leave in the morning, you are literally leaving with sheets wrapped around you, making it blatantly obvious that you just got plowed. If you are going to a toga party with the intent to be a sacrificial lamb, at least bring a change of clothes for the morning.

Tacky Tourist
You know what’s the least sexy thing of all time? Taking off arm floaties before you get in bed with a guy. How do you even do that? Do you let them deflate? Like in the Spongebob episode where he blows up his arms every five seconds? Do you rip them off causing severe arm burn? Also, knee high socks, chacos, Hawaiian shirts. How did that guy even want to have sex in the first place? If you do have sex in the tacky tourist outfit, at least make sure you put your floaties back on in the morning so you won’t drown in embarrassment.

Fashion Tape
Fashion tape is necessary sometimes, I get that. But you know what is highly unnecessary? Having a guy get fashion taped to your chest because you forgot to rip the tape off. Imagine you getting done doing your thing only to find you are glued together. How will you explain that one?

Of course, you can wear whatever you want. I’m not here to tell you what to do with your life. I’m just trying to make your life a little easier. Do you want a guy to think you have no nipples? Do you want them to have to unwrap you like a mummy? I didn’t think so. So stay away from these outfits and get your freak on, you freak.

Email this to a friend



For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

New Stories

Load More