Ah, summer vacation. A time to put some distance between yourself and all the grueling academics that have been consistently bitch slapping you since August. Or to retake that online class you failed because you have no attention span. I don’t judge. Some of us are blessed enough get to spend the next two months pushing pencils in our basically deserted college towns. Doesn’t sound like much, but I honestly believe that staying put for the summer is the best possible way to spend the hottest months of the year. You probably have a thousand friends who are spending the break exploring exotic lands, which they’ve been so kind as to shove down your throat with a new Instagram every fifteen minutes. Whatever you do, don’t succumb to the mind games of social media and start to feel jealous. Here’s why you’re going to have a way better summer than those bitches, who are probably just now realizing how bad the language barrier is fucking Haiti.
1. There are so few people.
In the words of Dwight K. Schrute, “There’s too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague.” This is 100 percent true of your college town during the school year, whether or not you’re enough of an asshole to admit it. But during the summer, there’s a much smaller pool. They might not necessarily be better in quality (especially considering most of them are there for summer school), but you’ll have a blast nonetheless. A smaller population is going to clear your head and make it much easier for you remember at least some of the names of the people you’ll meet. It also means you can narrow your “What the fuck did I do last night” search down that much easier.
2. People are always down to drink.
It doesn’t even matter that half of your friends are working internships, while the other half are pushing through nine hours of bullshit electives– people are down to drink ’round the clock. Why, you ask? Because it’s fucking summer. Some of us self-imploding students choose to shun reality and pretend we don’t realize that summer vacation isn’t really a thing anymore. We’re going to rage balls and pretend it’s a two month spring break, for no other reason other than because we can. There’s plenty of time to be an adult later. We’ll tone it down when we’re wifed up. Maybe.
3. Parking isn’t a total bitch.
Shit’s VIP status. Need I say more?
4.No bar is crowded, ever.
Say goodbye to long lines, jam-packed rooms, and overworked bouncers. For the next two months, those guys are just getting paid to stand out in the street and expend a very small amount of energy to accept a shitty fake once every thirty minutes. Everybody hates people in excessive amounts, which is why some of us old balls choose to get shitfaced on our decks in sweatpants instead of roughing a night downtown. But during the summer, those bars are wide open and empty enough to explore the town top to bottom without running into five hundred drunk freshmen. Where do you want to go tonight? Fifteen different bars in three hours, thank you very much.
5.The weather is perfect.
College campuses are beautiful any time of year, but summer probably takes the cake. It’s shorts weather all the time, everyone is in a good mood, and the smell of freshly cut grass often tones down that rancid vomit and stale beer scent that your town has been rocking since the 80’s. It’s also worth mentioning that patio drinking is never better than it is during the summer. Why not kill a bottle of wine while you overshoot your tan goals and experience second degree burns? Gotta get that vitamin D.
6. Every night is a chill night.
You know when you’re sitting with your friends, trying to decide what felonies you plan to commit, and your friend suggests that you have a “chill night”? Yeah, that’s going to be every night. You don’t even have a choice. This isn’t to say that you won’t get fucked up, because you definitely will, but you won’t end up blowing two hundo at a club that only plays Dubstep and charges thirteen dollars for a Long Island. Think campfire over seizure-inducing strobe lights. Think beer over Burnett’s. Think marathon over race. You’re going to have an insane amount of fun, and you won’t totally obliterate your liver in the process. .
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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