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6 Steps For Winning A Breakup

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Being in a relationship is great. You have someone to cuddle with, someone to reassure you that you’re pretty, and, uh, whatever else boyfriends are good for. The only problem with leaving relationship limbo and entering actual couplehood is the fact that this new boyfriend will either become your husband or your ex. While being in a relationship is great, going through a breakup is not. But, you know what makes breaking up better? Winning it.

Don’t Say Anything You’ll Regret In A Month
Breakups can be intense. They’re full of rejection, pain, and waterproof mascara. Even though it’s a shitty time, that doesn’t give you an excuse to be a shitty person. Unless you have a legitimate reason for saying some horrible things to the SOB who’s no longer your boyfriend (ex: he cheated on you, he abused you, he didn’t like “Harry Potter”) you should remain as calm as possible. I know you’re tempted to string together a whole slew of hurtful words, but calling him a “cradle-robbing, needle-dicked asshole” won’t exactly leave a mature impression. Worst part? Guys do talk, despite all evidence on the contrary. The less you do to tarnish your own reputation, the better. No matter how great your relationship was, if you end in a fiery argument from hell, there’s not much hope of ever being friends again. Oh, and FYI, just because the two of you didn’t work out, that doesn’t mean he’s an asshole.

Don’t Be A Passive-Aggressive Bitch
This is much easier said than done. Yes, I know as soon as you get behind the safety of a status update or a tweet, your just dumped fingers feel the need to throw some T. Swift, Marilyn, or other inspirational quote out there for the world to know your relationship pain. The downside? The guy you’re directing it toward most likely won’t see it, and if he does, well, you kind of look like a little bitch. Grow up. Don’t post your shit for all to see. No one wants your emotional baggage cluttering his or her newsfeed. That’s reserved for selfies and cat videos.

Don’t Take Over His Territory
If you’re not a legitimately shitty person, you most likely made some friends while dating your ex. Maybe all his brothers loved you, his best friends from back home considered you “one of the guys,” and the other girlfriends in the group think you are the absolute best. No matter what the case is, you need to understand that they are HIS people. Sure, they’re your friends now, too, but as with any custody battle, someone will come out on top. And honestly, it should be him. If his friends reach out to you and ask you to hang out, do so, but don’t use these friendships as an excuse to haunt his fraternity house and wait around to see if he’ll show up. Don’t start dating one of his friends (trust me, his friends will try–boys are ridiculous). Be friends with these people if you actually value their friendship, not just as an excuse to stick around. Not only does that make you look pathetic, but it also kind of makes you look like a psycho bitch.

Take Your Time
As soon as someone writes you off, it always seems that you need to run out there and find a replacement. Something about being the first to move on (or at least look like you’ve move on) means that you win. But in reality, you just seem heartless. If you valued the relationship and the person you were with, you’ll give yourself time to really mourn the relationship and, in the process, actually get over him, rather than just getting under the next guy who crosses your path.

Say No To Stalking
This should really be a no-brainer, but this is generally the first thing you want to do post-breakup. You want to know where he is, what he’s doing, and who he’s doing it with. It’s not because you still care, at all even. It’s just because you want to make sure he’s miserable and not hooking up with anyone. Or looking at girls. Or breathing the same air as them. And while in a perfect world, stalking would help, in the real world for sane adults, it’s not the answer. Stalking his Facebook, reading his tweets, going to his party, hitting up his favorite bar, going to his fraternity events–you’re just asking for trouble. It will hurt your self-esteem, mental health, and reputation, and all of those things are pretty hard to fix.

Move On
There might be a small piece of you deep down that is hoping the two of you will get back together, and that’s natural. You had some great times together, and you wonder if you still could. Even though people do sometimes reconnect, you have to remember that you broke up because something in the relationship was broken. Brush yourself off, smile, and get ready for the next adventure. Just because it didn’t work out with him, that doesn’t mean it won’t work out with someone else. Learn from the relationship, cherish the memories, and find yourself a hot-ass doctor. You deserve it–I mean, you did just win a breakup.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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