The most regrettable things I ever did in college were things Pitbull instructed me to do. Or, perhaps more accurately, things that Pitbull suggested I do by purring them into my ear all seductively and Cuban-ly as I flailed around drunk on various bar and hotel-ballroom dancefloors. I was just doing as I was told, but it turns out Pitbull is a really shitty life coach if you’re a drunk sorority girl.
So, seriously, ladies: Don’t make the same mistakes I did. He may keep our formals sweaty and DFMO-tastic, and he may be an expert at pumping sexy, espanishy endorphins into our elliptical workouts. But Pitbull, as a mentor, is not to be trusted. Here’s some Pitbull-given life advice you should ignore at all costs.
“Forget about your boyfriend, come meet me in the hotel room.” Self-explanatory. Sketchy, and you’ll have a lot of explaining to do in the morning.
“…You can bring your girlfriends and meet me in the hotel room.” Equally self-explanatory, equally sketchy. Plus even more explaining to do in the morning.
“Shake them dice and roll ’em — when they ask you what’s that dance, you say ‘That’s the Hustle, man.'” False. As it turns out, that motion that mimics shaking a pair of dice and rolling them is NOT the Hustle. In fact, it’s not even a dance move at all. It’s a lewd, creepy gesture that causes frat bros to smirk at each other and decent adults to cover any nearby children’s eyes. Not to mention it looks terrible in pictures.
“Grab somebody sexy, tell ’em, ‘Hey, give me everything tonight.'” If you ask someone to give you everything tonight, especially someone you only know as ‘somebody sexy,’ chances are he (or she) will either give you either every variety of stinkeye or every variety of hepatitis.
“If you scared of money, don’t make money.” Done. Not recommended.
“I wanna see you move, move, shake, shake, now drop.” One broken stiletto and five months of ACL rehab later, I can attest that it’s the “drop” part that’s really inadvisable.
Nice Move262
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