You know that guy? The one you really liked? The one who would make you giddy just by lighting up your phone with his name? And remember how excited you were when you just so happened to run into him at happy hour (after you decided to abandon your plan to stay in and watch Netflix when you saw him tagged at a bar)? It’s unnerving that he’s the same guy who, after countless dates, endless laughs, and more naked sleepovers than you could count, decided he was done with you. Just like that.

I know you thought he was perfect, and hell, once you reach the bottom of that wine bottle, you might admit that you had pinned a wedding or two with him in mind. But I’m here to tell you the truth. I know you thought he was super funny and that his hair looked sexy pushed back, but the whole time you were together, you had on love goggles (or sex goggles, or drunk goggles–they’re really all the same thing). In reality, he wasn’t that great. Before you start typing that nasty comment because HE WAS PERFECT, let me give you a reason, or 62, why he really wasn’t.

1. He set an alarm to wake up at 11 a.m.
2. Then snoozed it for an hour.
3. He had a name for his penis.
4. And he told you to call his penis by its name.
5. Which was, unfortunately, something along the veiny lines of “Big Boy Dinky.” BRB, vomiting in my mouth.
6. Sure, getting high after a night out is one thing, but he would get high before dinner with the parents.
7. Your parents.
8. He snored. Like, really snored.
9. He blamed his farts on ducks. Like, no. I think you would know if a family of ducks was hanging out in your chevron sheets.
10. He said he liked Nickelback. He wasn’t being ironic.
11. He said you took up the whole bed. Like, sorry, you enjoy cuddling.
12. He got you a regular Coke instead of a Diet Coke and acted like it was no big deal.
13. He said you wear yoga pants too much, despite the fact that the limit does not exist when it comes to how often you can wear yoga pants.
14. He asked for blow jobs.
15. Except his “asking” was more of a “let me push your head down until you gag and stop me” thing.
16. He would conceitedly text “LOL” after everything he said.
17. Despite the fact that what he said did not make you “LOL.”
18. He never put down the toilet seat.
19. He hesitated when the waiter dropped the bill to see if you would pick it up.
20. And then he didn’t pick it up, so you had to pay.
21. If you wore heels, you were the same height.
22. One time he said he was “more of a boob guy” even though you obviously aren’t a “boob girl.”
23. He had a tribal tattoo. And no, he was never in a tribe.
24. He ordered a Sex on the Beach. For himself.
25. He grew a soul patch.
26. He wore his sunglasses at night. Inside.
27. You couldn’t go to a social gathering without seeing another girl “Big Boy Dinky” had hung out with.
28. He ordered a salad at dinner after you ordered a burger. And fries. With a side of shame and regret.
29. He opened your sexy snapchats without responding with the polite “just busted in my pants” text.
30. Not that you WANTED him to bust in his pants. But it would have been the thought that counted.
31. He was still Facebook friends with an ex.
32. Or worse–he was, like, real people friends with an ex.
33. He didn’t like dessert.
34. He thought butt stuff was a thing in his future.
35. He was “more of a cat guy.”
36. He refused to watch “The Notebook” with you.
37. He had a calendar of Kate Upton from 2012 hanging up in his room.
38. He went to the gym more often than you did.
39. He had no male friends.
40. Which meant he had no future groomsmen for the wedding you two might have had.
41. He told you that he shit himself in a laundry room. Twice.
42. He had a “no sleeping over two nights in a row” rule.
43. You found a red hair in his bed.
44. YOU DON’T HAVE RED HAIR.
45. He drove a pickup even though he didn’t use it to haul, build, or pick up anything.
46. He wore “above the knee” swim trunks.
47. His laugh reminded you of puppies. Dying.
48. He didn’t think “Bridesmaids” was funny.
49. He was a Big instead of an Aiden.
50. He brought his own koozie to a funeral.
51. He didn’t feel the need to keep his hedges maintained.
52. He made you watch every “Fast and Furious” movie.
53. He wiped his “post-sex penis” on your festive, fall hand towels.
54. He got you a regular latte instead of a nonfat latte.
55. He didn’t know how to build a fire. Therefore, if you were stranded in the woods, he wouldn’t have been able to save you.
56. He didn’t let you shower with him. Like, who does that?
57. He’d get drunk and fall asleep with his pants off but his shoes on.
58. His name was Brandon, Jack, Tim, or Clarke.
59. He said he would leave you behind in a “Walking Dead” situation.
60. He thought it was okay to eat your food just because you ate his food.
61. He touched your “three days since shaving” legs and said, “ouch.”
62. And finally, he didn’t want to be with you. As harsh as that sounds, any guy who is pathetic enough to throw a hot thing like you away isn’t worth your time. Didn’t he get the memo? Nobody puts baby in a corner. #HisLoss

Nice Move636

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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