62 Thoughts You Have When He’s Going Down On You

Going down

  1. I wonder how long we’re going to make out?
  2. Not that it’s bad. I just didn’t shave to have some guy suck on my bottom lip for thirty minutes and awkwardly grope my tit.
  3. I get it. You want to do foreplay. I want to do foreplay.
  4. We all want to do foreplay.
  5. But my lips are chapping and my nipple is getting sore from this. LET’S MOVE IT ALONG FOLKS.
  6. Okay. Cool. You get the message. Hand’s sliding down my pants right on schedule.
  7. Wait. Why is your body following your hand?
  8. Your whole body.
  9. Including your face. And mouth.
  10. Oh shit. This is happening. His mouth is going south of the border.
  11. You know. The pubic border.
  12. I did just shave, right?
  13. Do you think the hairs grew out since this morning?
  14. Or was that yesterday morning?
  15. Oh my God.
  16. When did I last shower?
  17. Have I really not showered since yesterday morning?
  18. Well fuck me, right?
  19. Oh. I guess that’s his plan.
  20. To fuck me. With his mouth.
  21. Okay. It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine. I’m sure he doesn’t sit there wondering about his personal hygiene whenever a girl goes down on him.
  22. I mean, whenever I go down on him. Which is basically never.
  23. But still. No other girls better be going down on him.
  24. I wonder if he’s hooking up with other people?
  25. No. He couldn’t be. If he was, he wouldn’t be trying to lick my vagina right now.
  26. Casual hookups don’t just lick vagina for fun.
  27. Right? Right.
  28. Yeah, whatever you’re trying to do to get my pants off isn’t working.
  29. You can’t just pull them off if they have a zipper.
  30. And buttons.
  31. And a chastity-like belt that’s intended to keep my pants up and my legs closed.
  32. Okay this is embarrassing. Just let me do it.
  33. It’s not my fault I have child bearing hips and a love of carbs.
  34. Alright. Moment of truth. Do I take off my underwear too, or run into the bathroom to do the ol’ vagina-wash-in-the-sink move?
  35. Oh. JK. He knows how to pull my underwear off.
  36. Guess this is just going to happen. Right now. With absolutely zero prep work.
  37. Be cool. I’m sure it doesn’t smell like a fish market down there.
  38. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Right there. Never stop. Ever.
  39. Okay. Ouch. Maybe stop.
  40. LIKE NOW.
  41. I wonder what I should have for dinner?
  42. Sushi? HA.
  43. Are you really just doing the alphabet trick?
  44. Who tells boys to do this?
  45. Is it in some instructional pamphlet they all get in 7th grade when they’re trying to figure out what, exactly the mythical clitoris is?
  46. h-i-j-k-l…
  47. m-n-o-O-OH MY GOD.
  48. There it is.
  49. Please keep going, person who I’m pretending is Chris Hemsworth.
  50. My moan doesn’t mean do something else, idiot.
  51. I’m just going to casually grab your hair while actually holding you down in the perfect spot.
  53. …..
  54. Annnnnnd. I lost it.
  55. Well fuck.
  56. No, it’s fine. Really. Don’t worry about me.
  57. I’ll just sit here thinking about the orgasm that got away.
  58. But hey, at least you tried! I guess it’s your turn now.
  59. J fucking K. That’s what you get. Now let’s just order a pizza and forget that this ever happened.
  60. Who needs orgasms when you can have cheese and carbs, right?
  61. Ugh. I really need to start hooking up with girls.
  62. Pass the pepperoni. The pizza. Not your dick.

I give up.

Image via Shutterstock

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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