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65 Reasons Why Boys Are Fucking Idiots

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  1. They think calling us a “fat bottomed girl” is a compliment. It’s not.
  2. They don’t understand our love of chocolate and wine.
  3. Or pumpkin spice.
  4. Or Yankee candles.
  5. They tell us to call them “daddy.” Like, no. You’re not my father, sicko.
  6. They ask us if we’re on our periods when we’re pissed off. Because that helps.
  7. They criticize our driving.
  8. In our car.
  9. After we were nice enough to pick them up from the bar.
  10. They leave the seat up. Every. Single. Time.
  11. And when they don’t, they manage to pee on the toilet seat. And they don’t feel the need to clean it up.
  12. A boob grab does not count as foreplay.
  13. Neither does trying to shove your fingers up our vaginas. Sorry buddy. The porn was lying to you.
  14. They don’t text you back but they tweet to celebrities who WILL NEVER ANSWER.
  15. Or they “like” shit on Facebook.
  16. Or send you any snapchats.
  17. They ask for a threesome.
  18. A lot.
  19. They say they “don’t like skinny girls.”
  20. First of all, you’re a liar. Second, so what? Does that mean I’m fat?
  21. They try to run their hands through our hair after it’s been curled and hairsprayed.
  22. Then their hand gets stuck and we look ratchet.
  23. “I didn’t not brush my hair. This is what life is like when you have naturally straight hair.”
  24. They think that anal is actually in their future.
  25. And they think that hinting at it will make us down to bend over.
  26. Like, no. I see what you’re trying to do, but my asshole is currently closed and it’s staying that way for the next 80ish years.
  27. They think “Sex and the City” is dumb.
  28. But they still feel the need to tell us that they would sleep with Miranda.
  29. No one would sleep with Miranda, idiots.
  30. They get impressed when other girls know football.
  31. Sorry I have feminine hobbies.
  32. They have a sixth sense for when a scantily-clad woman will walk by.
  33. And for Hardee’s commercials.
  34. They get annoyed when we don’t eat fatty, artery-clogging, cheese-smotherd (delicious) food with them.
  35. But they want a hot girlfriend. So pick. Because I’m all for eating the cheese fries and saying to hell with looking good.
  36. They’re allergic to becoming FBO.
  37. Or to having us in their profile picture.
  38. Despite the fact that he’s been in the last FIVE of your profile pictures.
  39. They think that if they scored in a video game, it transpires over to real life.
  40. No, the only thing you accomplished today was sitting in front of the TV for eight hours and making me reevaluate our relationship.
  41. They never want to go to the pet store to play with puppies.
  42. They’re against fro-yo, and when you do go, they act like they’ve never been to a fucking yogurt shop before.
  43. “No, you can’t eat it before you weigh it. GOD!”
  44. They order “coffee with milk” instead of a latte.
  45. The word won’t make your balls fall off. Promise.
  46. They don’t understand that “I’m tired, I have a headache, I’m on my period, or I don’t hook up on holy days” means “it’s not happening, stop trying.”
  47. They say our zits looks cute.
  48. They have weird names for their penis, and they like to refer to it as if it’s its own entity.
  49. Or deity.
  50. They think the food on our plate is communal food and have no qualms about putting their never been washed hands all over it.
  51. A “bite” for them means half of your sandwich will be gone.
  52. They think hesitating before grabbing their wallet will make us pay.
  53. LOL, nice try.
  54. They think that if they buy us a drink, it means we’re going to hook up with them.
  55. The only thing it means is that we just saved $5 on a drink.
  56. They complement the color of our nails like they don’t know it’s called nail polish.
  57. They think we can’t see the Instagram pictures that they “like.”
  58. They think we don’t know exactly who they’ve hooked up with.
  59. IT’S CALLED “YOUR FACEBOOK TIMELINE GOES BACK TO 2007. I SAW THE SLUTTY HIGH SCHOOLER YOU WERE DATING.”
  60. They think we don’t realize when another girl is texting them.
  61. Bringing your phone into the bathroom when you take a shower is kind of a hint, friend.
  62. They think three minutes of thrusting is enough.
  63. They all had a meeting and decided that every single one of them will hate cats.
  64. And only like big dogs. Because little dogs are, apparently, the devil.
  65. They think WE’RE the dumb ones, despite the fact that we’re always one step ahead of them.
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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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