1. The Rowdy Fucker
Alcohol affects everybody differently, but for this dude, the booze running through his veins turns him into a Tasmanian devil on meth. These bastards rip off (not casually pull off like normal human beings) their whiskey-marinated Hawaiian shirt, smash any inanimate object, and shout unnecessary songs or chants every twelve minutes. When he drinks enough, this varmint generates prodigious scenarios that display qualities every frat guy admires: superhuman strength, excessive adrenaline, ear-splitting vocal chords, and outstanding speed. If you come across one of these fuckers, proceed with caution because this man is one hella unstoppable force of destruction.
2. The Lover
These are the men that spot (in their mindset) the lady who has perfectly shiny, curled hair with a Hollywood sparkle in her eyes and speaks with the voice of an angel. He can’t take his eyes off of this goddess. In the moment he believes it’s fate. He was meant to be in that bar at the same time as her. His hand is intertwined in hers, and there’s no way he’s letting go of her. When he takes her back to his place, he’s not even mad if they don’t make love. Just being there and spending that magical night with such a beautiful gal is enough to make his heart soar. Breakfast will be awaiting when she wakes up and he will take her home. There’s no doubt that this temporary gentleman will text her for the next week or two, just until he falls in love again when he returns to his favorite bar.
3. The Fighter
We all know a fighter. This man is a bro’s bro. He has crushed one too many Bud Lights. And if he sees someone so much as disagree with one of his brothers, he’s throwing punches. This guy doesn’t go out looking for a girl to get on her knees in a bathroom stall. Instead, he’s out to show off his man card. And what better way to do that than drinking more beers than everyone else there and starting a brawl? This man is one of the most loyal friends a person can have. He will speak his mind and give no fucks what people think because if someone has a problem with it, he’ll beat them back to the Stone Age.
4. The Father
All hail The Father. He is often otherwise known as The DD. Once the sound of a Keystone cracking open echoes through the frat house, his responsible fatherly instincts instantly flip on. He exited his mother’s womb destined to take care of his brothers. People assume he’s a rookie when he chooses not to get belligerently drunk, but in reality, this man is a fucking boss who can outdrink any of the shitheads who question his powers. Chicks are drawn to this fellow due to the charm he possesses because he isn’t trashed and can actually hold a five-minute conversation. He doesn’t even have to try hard to get ass because girls love his manly persona. Instead of him being the one searching for a one-night stand, morally-loosened females are the ones who try to trick him into bed. There’s always a 50/50 chance he will give into these chicks and accept their offer to poke his dick in between her thighs. The main challenge for these women is that The Father has higher standards than most of his friends. These standards are exactly why he comes off as playing hard-to-get, and women obviously can’t resist that shit. This man is a total DILF, but his children are just his friends rather than sexually engineered infants.
5. The Fuckboy
Unfortunately, The Fuckboy has risen to the top to become one of the most common inebriated male creatures. Around 8 a.m. you can spy one of his slam pieces dashing out of his room modeling a pair of his basketball shorts and a large date party shirt with heels in her hands. The following is a chronology of events when The Fuckboy decides to take too many swigs of the hard stuff. He begins the day or night by popping open a Coors Light as he puts on his Brooks Brothers shirt and Sperry’s. As he continues to pregame, he brags to his crew about how many bitches he has lined up in his phone to meet up with when his cock is ready to penetrate a tight, wet locale. Once he arrives at his destination, he grabs a cold one and immediately begins to scout for a hot floozy who, according to his slut radar, has potential to be dumb enough to get tricked into falling for him emotionally. He flirts shamelessly with multiple females (sometimes in front of victims he already hit on) in every vicinity getting phone numbers one by one. This man will be tongue deep with a few chicks throughout the night. He uses obnoxious and straightforward lines such as, “Hey baby. I won’t give you breakfast in bed, but I’ll give you the sex you fantasize about when you masturbate.” By the time he reaches his house he has at least 5 new contacts in his phone. Our beloved fuckboy then proceeds to rank each babe in his phone, new and old, and call the lucky first choice on said list. If a girl blows him off, even if she is his first choice, he makes rude comebacks like, “Fine. You weren’t my first choice anyways.” Usually at least one girl will end up flinging her thong across the room and continue bouncing around on his mattress with him either because she is horny and desperate for a penis, or because she truly believes this smooth-talking asshole really does like her. Unfortunately for us ladies, it’s usually the second scenario. The next day he helps his sexual prey navigate her way to the door saying he will text her later. But you know the drill; this woman doesn’t receive a text from him until a few days later at 2 a.m.
6. The Independent
Nobody is quite sure how this man makes it through the night, mainly because he strays away when something shiny catches his eye. He is always friendzied to have his lips come into contact with alcohol. As soon as the driver steps on the pedal to pull out of the frat house driveway, he already has a solid buzz. Pretty soon after the group makes an appearance at the first bar, he silently walks in the opposite direction from everyone else. He’s in his own little world and also the dude people have to keep an eye on the most. There’s no telling what kind of shenanigans he will get into or what weirdos he will befriend. His friends crush his spirit when they say it’s time to leave the bar. All he wants to do is to count how much alcoholic drinks he can possibly consume throughout the night before he has to puke up his guts behind a dumpster in a sketchy alleyway. When you do manage to pinpoint him, he’s either in a dance battle, making friends with ladies and bartenders, singing along with the music, or even just standing alone with a cold beer in his hand and dumbfounded face. Once he arrives at someone else’s house, he’s raiding their refrigerator on a scavenger hunt for the perfect drunk food, which isn’t hard for him considering he settles for almost anything edible. He always just happens to be one of the genuinely nicest guys of the group. Everyone respects him for his independence and major “I don’t give a fuck” mentality.
7. The Party Boy
If you go out with The Party Boy you have to mentally and physically prepare yourself. His goal when he heads out is to roll up some grams in addition to getting sloshed. He is the celebrity of the crew. You secretly look up to this party animal for his ability to drown his body with booze and still keep raging the entire day and night. If you strive to keep up with him, you are basically begging to be taken to the hospital for an IV. He is the host of every single pregame, regardless of what the pregame is intended for. The Party Boy doesn’t give a shit if he has to throw a girly drink down his throat, just as long as he has a drink or two in his hand he won’t complain. There’s no doubt he’s the one at the party ruining girls’ outfits they spent 30 minutes trying to put together because he was spilling his drink as he grinded on them. If he does (surprisingly) manage to refrain from pouring his drink on a chick, he will make a pathetic attempt to slobber all over her face. The Party Boy always insists he should be the DJ. Whether or not he is the assigned DJ, he will find a way to force the songs his ears wish to hear through bumping speakers. He wants to make sure every single human being in the same surrounding as him is going balls to the wall, or at least pretending to be when he parades past them. He is designed to be the one who raises his shot glass to yell a cheers to damn near anything that pops into his mind throughout the night..
Nice Move231
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Kellie Stritz
Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.
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