There’s been a steady decline in romance since the days of courting, and no matter how ladylike we’ve trained ourselves to be, it always comes down to “the game”–and I’m not talking about the rapper.
“The game” is a laundry list of the unofficial rules of dating. It’s also synonymous with the phrase, “how to confuse your romantic prospects.” In the spirit of back-to-school season, here are the seven rules of college dating that could help you trade in your vibrator for a real live penis, but not on Wednesdays.
Step 1 – Texting: The rule of thumb is to take forever to respond to texts, if you respond at all. You see, texting is like exchanging letters, but far less romantic. It’s been known to cause both major and minor panic attacks and leave both parties in a state of utter confusion. Chicks sit cross-legged and stare at their phones, but they will wait hours or days to respond. Then the dudes have to guess whether the girls are playing hard to get or are simply uninterested. There’s an art to it, really. In the old days, playing hard to get meant withholding sex until marriage. Today, it’s blatant mindfuckery.
Step 2 – Be Vague: Be so, so vague–we’ve got to keep the confusion going, people. Throw your beauty in his face with a Snapchat selfie, or “like” his Instagram posts of stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with you. The goal here is to get on his radar without outwardly talking to him or letting him know you’re into him. Admitting your true feelings will cause many to flee, and the night is young.
Step Number 3 – Make Out Drunk: This pretty much seals the deal. While any two drunk slobs would put their holes on each other, what I’m referring to has a little more meaning. These are two people who have finally taken their sexual tension beyond social media. Big step, I know. It should be that perfect kind of drunken hookup that looks really sloppy, but feels really romantic, because that’s what kissing super slowly on the dance floor does. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
Step 4 – Compare Hand Sizes: This is a crucial step. Hear me out. The hand comparison should happen before the first sober kiss, because he needs a non-creepy way to touch you. He holds your hand up to his, palm to palm, and says something along the lines of, “you have tiny fingers,” which either implies that your hands would make his dick look bigger or that he’s about to kiss you. BOOM. Magic.
Step 5 – Act Like A Couple, Deny All Labels: Post pictures together on Facebook, make out at parties, spend literally every waking minute together, and bicker all the time. But most importantly, don’t you dare put a label on that shit. You deny your relationship status to your grave, because a title over your two heads means game over. “The game” is over. All of that hard work, the countless anxiety attacks, the exclusive Snapchats, and the sleepless nights that left you exhausted at work? They’ve all gone to waste.
Step 6 – Have “The Talk”: Blow up in his face when he least expects it. You did such a great job not getting angry when Slutface McBitchtits gave him sexy eyes at the library last week and you didn’t even text him when went to a mixer with your rival sorority. But all of your efforts to conceal your admiration (read: marriage plans) for him can only be bottled up for so long before it’s time to admit defeat. Cue the waterworks.
Step 7 – Go Facebook Official: One step closer to a rock.