So you found out you have HPV. Your doctor explained that it’s no big deal, nearly all sexually active men and women will get the virus at some point in their lives. Big whoop, it’s basically like the common cold of STDs. Here are seven perfectly pulled together outfits that say, “I’ve had sex before and now my vagina has this thing but it’s fine, I’m fine.”
1. White Dress With A Bright Clutch
This outfit is perfect for telling your girlfriends over brunch that it’s fine, everyone has HPV! The white is reminiscent of your innocence before you slept with Jake or Adam or John or whichever asshole gave you HPV. The watermelon clutch gives off a fun vibe that says “Let’s not forget that one time Joyce had anal chlamydia,” and the delicate jewelry is perfectly understated, unlike your sexual history. Paired with a mimosa in one hand and a Xanax in the other, this outfit screams “chill blogger with a questionable past.”
2. Fun Matching Separates With Gold Jewelry
Matching separates are totally in right now, just like HPV. The loud print will distract you from the tiny screaming voice inside of you that says you shouldn’t have believed that guy when he said he was allergic to latex. Wear this outfit with your hair up in a messy bun to make it seem like you’re totally fine with monitoring the cells in and around your cervix every year until you die. The chunky heels and jewelry add a distinct flair to the look that says “HPV is the only STD for me!”
3. Bomber Jacket, Sheer Top, Denim Skirt
Can you say “edgy”? Only in the fashion sense, because you’re still somewhat terrified of sharp objects after your gyno stuck a 16-inch long instrument up your box. This outfit gives off definite Kardashian/Jenner vibes, which is exactly what you’re going for because at least one of those bitches has to have HPV, which basically makes you a Kardashian/Jenner yourself. Your friend Amy doesn’t have HPV, but that also means she has one less thing in common with the Kardashians. Who’s winning, now, Amy? Huh?
4. Graphic T-shirt And A Flannel
For those casual days when you just don’t want to put together an outfit, throw on a white t-shirt with text on it and a flannel around your waist. Just look at this girl. Would you assume the girl drinking green juice in a graphic tee has HPV? No. Never in a million years. She looks like she runs outside without a shirt on and actually looks good without makeup on. But believe me, she does. And it’s totally fine because everyone has it, okay?
5. Patterned Shorts With A Pastel Top
Nothing says “HPV isn’t even that bad, mom” like a flowy top with patterned shorts. This girl totally looks like she had the Gardasil shots and would ya look at that? She has HPV. She’s not even stressed about it, she’s just writing in her journal about what a great day it’s been and she’s totally cool with the fact that she has HPV. The bright pastel paired with the tassel necklace screams, “I’ve only slept with four guys and one of them gave me HPV so, like, chill with the judgment.”
6. Baby Blue Body Suit, Cut Off Jeans, And Heels
Did you have a particularly slutty freshman year? If you did, you probably have HPV and you should totally rock this look. It says “HPV IS INCREDIBLY COMMON, OKAY?!” without being too in-your-face about it. It also highlights the parts of your body that you don’t have very strong feelings about, like your waist and your boobs. Just because your vagina is marginally different at the cellular level doesn’t mean your boobs can’t look good!
7. White Bodysuit With A Low Back And Jeans
It’s all about the details in this outfit, kind of like that little detail your physician will add to your medical chart called “HPV.” This outfit is perfect for parties, going out, and comforting your friends when they find out that they, too, have HPV. Paired with strappy heels and some condoms in your purse, this outfit perfectly says “it’s fine, everyone has HPV.”.
All of these images are from Instagram. The people photographed are not in any way associated with this column. We have no idea whether or not any of them actually have HPV (but they probably do, just saying).
Featured Image via Shutterstock
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Cristina Montemayor
Cristina is a Grandex Writer and Content Manager. She was an intern for over two years before she graduated a semester early to write about college full time, which makes absolutely no sense. She regretfully considers herself a Carrie, but is first and foremost a Rory. She tends to draw strong reactions from people. They are occasionally positive. You can find her in a bar as you're bending down to tie your shoes, drinking Dos XX and drunk crying to Elton John. Email her: [email protected] (not .com).
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