It’s here. Christmas songs are in the air, and your holiday fat has grown back. You’ve officially given up any and all hope that you’ll make the dean’s list this semester and literally all you want to do is shove any and all alcohol down your gullet. Yet despite all of this, I know exactly what all of you are thinking: “I should have a holiday party!”
You’ll get to buy super cute decorations, make cookies, do a gift exchange, have everyone wear tacky sweaters, and drink super delicious, festive cocktails. Cue: orgasm. Really quick, though, before you wander down the holiday aisle of Target and realize there’s no going back, I just want to let you know…
YOU’RE FUCKING INSANE.
Turn around. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not advance to happiness. Hosting a holiday party will literally suck every single joy out of you. I know, you think I’m just a bitter bitch, and while that is true, I want you to know that I’ve been there. Your sleep deprived self is celebrating the fact that finals are over, and all you want in life is to wear a fucking Christmas sweater, but trust me–a party is not the answer.
You’ll Spend Way Too Much Money
You think everyone will chip in? LOL false. You’re going to front most of the costs to make sure everyone has a jolly good time. That means lots of alcohol, lots of decorations, and lots of snacks. In turn, this means lots of money you don’t have, or should spend on other things, like that boob job your parents still won’t allow.
No One Will Come Through
I know. “Throw a party,” they said. “We’ll all help,” they said. Unfortunately, despite the thought, when it comes down to it, half of the people won’t show up and the other half will forget that they were supposed to bring something. Four people will bring mixers, no one will bring the Fireball, and you’ll end up wanting to lock yourself in the linen closet with the whole plate of sugar cookies and your sanity.
You’ll cry before the party. You’ll cry during the party. You’ll cry after the party. There will be lots of crying.
You Won’t Reach The Ideal Level Of Drunk
Drinking at your own party is a serious science. At first, you won’t get drunk enough. You’re too busy running around keeping people from destroying your home (no, you may NOT screw in my bed, sorry) and making sure everyone else’s glasses are filled to even consider getting tipsy. It isn’t until shit starts hitting the fan that you suddenly skip the “happy drunk” stage and go straight to “emotionally and embarrassingly plastered.” Because happy *hiccup* fucking holidays *hiccup* bitches.
No One Will Appreciate What You Did
Sure, you’ll get one or two drunken “thank yous” but other than that, people will sort of forget that someone had to actually buy the alcohol, make the food, and create a magical Christmas wonderland. Ungrateful assholes.
It Will Be The Worst Clean-Up Ever
You’ll be hungover. Beer will end up on the ceiling. Vomit will be in the sink. You’ll question every single friendship you have because someone will put a used condom under your Christmas tree. That’s exactly what you wanted this year: a sad, forgotten semen balloon.
You’ll Forget All Of This
Despite the anguish you’ll feel, the frustration you’ll experience, and the fact that you will swear to Michael Kors that you will never ever host a party again, you’ll forget all of this. You’ll forget the tears, the money, and the clean-up. When you look back on this next year, you’ll only remember the smiles on your friends’ faces and that the condom under the tree might have actually been your own fault. Whoops. Happy hosting, and may the party odds be ever in your favor..