New relationships are always so exciting. You have that thrill of knowing you locked down a hottie who actually happens to have a good personality AND is good in bed. I’m sorry, did you win the lottery? Because it kind of feels like you did. Somehow, your guy escaped the fuckboy laboratory just before they were set to program him. You got a man to actually commit when these days, it’s cool to keep everything casual. Not you. If you wanted something casual, you would’ve gone to lululemon. You trapped a guy into promising to bone you, and only you, for the foreseeable future. Huge props.
But if you think you’re actually in a relationship, a real relationship, you’re wrong. Sure, he asked you to be his girlfriend and you both made plans to meet the parents during your next break, but you’re not really in a relationship until you hit a few very specific milestones.
1. The First Time You Pop His Pimples
If you don’t like popping pimples, you’re a liar and wrong. Popping pimples feel like taking a breath of fresh air after you’ve been stuck inside a smokey bar all night. It just feels so good. There’s the delayed gratification of when you wait a few days until the pimple is perfectly ripe before taking it between your two index fingers and squeezing hard. Worth it every time.
I don’t know what it is about popping a guy’s pimples, but it’s intimate…in the best way. It’s like you’re taking care of him. Like you’re a monkey picking lice off the head and body of another monkey. It’s cute, in a weird way. And if he trusts you to squeeze the pus out of his face without completely fucking his shit up and leaving him scarred for life, you know he trusts you in your relationship, too.
2. The First Time You See His Flaccid Dick
I’m not talking about when you see his dick all deflated and gross after you two finish doing the nasty. I’m talking about seeing his raw, squishy, 100 percent flaccid penis in a completely non-sexual way. Like when he’s getting out of the shower, or changing his clothes, or standing in front of you asking if you think his balls hang too low. There comes a point in your relationship where you’re just completely chill with each other’s bodies, and trust me, this is a good thing.
3. The First Time You Pee In Front Of Each Other
There are differing opinions on this topic, but personally, I think this milestone is essential. The first time you “accidentally” leave the door open when you take a wiz marks a crucial shift in the relationship. No longer are you two people who are so nauseatingly attracted to one another that you refuse to acknowledge that gross stuff occasionally comes out of your body. This is when it gets very real, very fast. I wouldn’t do it too soon in the relationship, and I know I’m supposed to be a feminist and everything, but maybe wait until he does it first. You don’t want things to get weird.
Oh, and if you even THINK this number one might turn into a number two, go somewhere else. Preferably in a bathroom two cities over, just to be safe.
4. The First Time He Shares His Phone Password With You
This is a small milestone, but it means a lot. Maybe he’s driving and he asks you to text his mom something. So you grab his phone and what do you know, there’s a password. Instead of taking the phone from you, he just says, “The password is 9496.” Just like that. No fuss, no stipulation that you can’t look at his texts, he just casually trusts with the key to everything a milennial holds near and dear to their heart (and hand): his phone.
Don’t freak out, but I think this means he loves you.
5. The First Time You Share Netflix/Hulu/Amazon Prime Accounts
Maybe you have Netflix and he has Hulu, but he wants to watch a Netflix original so you give him your (parents’) login information and password. By doing so, you’re realizing that he’ll probably fuck up your “Top Picks For [your name]” section with his choice of F Is For Family, even though your recently watched shows are Gossip Girl, Friends, and Gilmore Girls. But you grant him access into your Netflix because that’s what people in real relationships do.
6. The First Time Something Weird Happens During Sex
Sex is weird. There are a lot of body parts flopping around and a lot of liquids involved. It doesn’t always go as planned, and when something strange happens, you can either be awkward and try to ignore it (like you would normally do in a one-night stand situation) or just say “fuck it” and tell your boyfriend that that sound that came out of your body wasn’t a fart; it was a queef. It happens, okay? Acknowledge it, own it, laugh about it, and move on. He’s still going to fuck you anyway, I promise.
7. The First Time One Of You Gets Sick
You really see someone’s true colors when they get sick. Are they the kind of sick person who whines and acts like they’re dying? Or are they so strong and tough that they don’t even want to admit they’re sick, even when the thermometer says otherwise? If he sticks by you and brings you soup when you have a cold and Gatorade when you have a stomach virus, you know your relationship is legit. You don’t even have to get actually sick. Maybe you just drink so much that you throw up. You flush, brush your teeth, crawl back into bed hating life, and he’s there asking if you feel better. If you need water. If he can help. If your relationship makes it through one of you getting sick, you’ve got yourself a good one.
Congrats, lovebirds. You made it. .
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Cristina Montemayor
Cristina is a Grandex Writer and Content Manager. She was an intern for over two years before she graduated a semester early to write about college full time, which makes absolutely no sense. She regretfully considers herself a Carrie, but is first and foremost a Rory. She tends to draw strong reactions from people. They are occasionally positive. You can find her in a bar as you're bending down to tie your shoes, drinking Dos XX and drunk crying to Elton John. Email her: cristina@grandex.co (not .com).
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