I’ve never considered myself a naturally sexy person. Because I’m not. I’m very awkward in a way that is not at all adorable and my idea of flirting is just being extra mean to people, much like a second grader. I’d like to think I can embody “sexy” when I’m actually being intimate with a guy, but even then, I’m pretty sure my tagline of “we should probably hook up now” is too blunt to constitute a sex goddess. Whatever. I’m a grade-A snuggler and I’ll listen to you bitch about your golf game.
What I lack in seduction I make up for in brute creativity and cynicism. Therefore, I’ve devised a list of tips for girls like me, who aren’t blessed with the natural ability to stop a man in his tracks with a seductive wink or grin. Girls who choose boy shorts over thongs, beer over martinis, and movie nights over clubs. Girls who trip over things that don’t exist and, at first glance, have the general sex appeal of a potato.There is hope for us, ladies.
1. Have Some Sort Of A Cough
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There’s nothing sexier than a deep, raspy voice. Always remember that hand sanitizer is for pussies. Do what you must to develop a deep throat infection (bronchitis is ideal) because it will leave your voice hoarse and seductive sounding. If your tone gives off the general impression that you drive a truck and smoke a pack a day, you’ve achieved your goal. You might feel like you have the walking plague, but it won’t matter once you sound like a depressed Marilyn Monroe. Refer to everyone as “honey” and take a job at a nightclub.
2. Incorporate Sexy Foods Into Everyday Scenerios
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Try eating bananas, hotdogs, and other penis-shaped foods in front of guys. If you opt for popsicles, blue and green are the best colors to consume. Don’t worry if you look like you just slaughtered a smurf; every guy around you will totally be turned on. Be sure to avoid angrily biting down or seductively licking the sides and moaning. Find a safe middle ground.
3. Wear Red, Because Red
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There are a ton of statistics about how wearing red makes women look sexier. I get it. Jessica Rabbit wears red and I would definitely take her on a date, despite the fact that I am not sexually attracted to tiny, woodland creatures. Wear whatever clothes you own that are red, and as often as you can. Leg warmers, turtlenecks, boas, bell bottoms–it doesn’t matter. Take it a step further and cover yourself with red body paint before exiting the house. That special guy will definitely notice you and be like, “Damn, girl. I’d like to take you to a nice, seafood dinner.”
4. Locate A Wind Source
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Your hair always looks better if it gives off the illusion that it’s blowing in the wind. Unfortunately, humans are a sheltered species, so such wind source may be hard to locate at times. No worries. Carry around a small, battery-operated pocket fan to use when necessary. You might look stupid, but your hair will look awesome.
5. Wear Dry Contacts To Force Excessive Blinking
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If you wear contacts, stop taking them out at night. Dry contacts will irritate your eyes and make you blink like a maniac. Ideally, you want to blink at such a fast rate that those around you are convinced you speak Morse code. Batting your eyelashes is a definite sign of flirting, and it instantly turns any plain Jane into a Megan Fox. Once he sees you chronically blinking in his direction, he’ll for sure want to introduce you to his mother.
6. Develop Scoliosis
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If you were cursed with the gift of a perfect back, do whatever you can to fuck up your straight posture. Once your spine is bent, you’re free to explore a wide rage of sexy, bent over poses. Men like it when you contort your body to look as bendy as possible. Hand on your hip, head cocked to the side, butt jetting out, back twisted into general C-shape–you get the picture. These poses will allow him to see what your body is capable of, and he’ll admire your centipede-like elasticity.
7. Blind Yourself
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Forgo the previous advice on dry contacts and just eliminate your vision altogether. Once you’re blind, you will rely on the sense of touch to function. Men may be a visual species, but they also appreciate a good pat down from time to time. Learn to identify males solely on OTPHJs (over the pants hand jobs).
If none of the above tips work for you (spoiler alert: they won’t) the only thing left to do is own your awkwardness. Who cares if you don’t have ideal bedroom eyes? You are awesome in all of your weirdness, and you should work with what you’ve got. Models everywhere are jealous of your morning bedhead, and guys are weak in the knees at the thought of your annoying laugh. You go girl.
Image via Loopele