Fall is in full swing, which means we’ve already been drinking PSLs for weeks. But those were just our gateway drug. Now we’re ingesting every single thing we can get our hands on that contains the word “pumpkin” on the packaging. I literally don’t care if my skin turns orange, or I get some type of gourd-inspired disease, or I literally turn into a pumpkin from consuming entirely too many pumpkin products. Pumpkin is just THAT good. Now, as the best pinterester you only sort of know, I have scoured the web for the absolute best pumpkin recipes you have to try this fall. I took up baking as a hobby to help secure my MRS degree, so I have a few tips for you as you attempt these amazing, orgasmic concoctions.
Make healthy substitutions. Use wheat flour instead of white, skim milk instead of whole, and light extra virgin olive oil instead of canola oil. Your recipes will taste just as amazing, and you’ll still be able to fit into that XS vest you’ve been itching to add to your fall collection. Divide the recipe by four to get a perfect amount to split between you and a friend. You’ll have to get a calculator, but it’ll be totally worth it when you don’t eat two dozen pumpkin cookies in one sitting. For recipes that require one egg, split this into quarters by using half of an egg white for the recipe. Now, without further ado, here are the recipes you absolutely MUST make to truly hold the title of “Queen of the White Girls” this fall.
Pumpkin French Toast
I tried this recipe myself, and just…oh my God. I think I actually died of happiness and went straight to white girl heaven. This is the absolute best way to start off any fall morning. Feel free to invite a gentleman suitor over to share–even he won’t be able to scoff at the pumpkin content when he wonders if an orgasm with you will be as good as the one he’s currently experiencing in his mouth. My suggestions: grab a wheat baguette from your grocery section as well as some sugar-free syrup. Sprinkle just a little powdered sugar on top for presentation, and voilà!
Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Pancakes
Since we’re already talking about breakfast, I figured I would add another recipe to your carb-loaded arsenal. I’ve tried this recipe as well, and again, oh my God. These are the easiest things in the world to make, and they are absolutely delicious. Pro tip: when giving these to a boy, spell out “marry me” in chocolate chips to ensure your ring by spring.
Pumpkin S’mores Cupcakes
When we think of fall, we think of hayrides, flannel, scarves, booties, and, of course, s’mores. This recipe is the fall-iest thing of all things fall. It perfectly combines the classic s’more with our two favorite things: pumpkin and cupcakes. Skip the marshmallow-roasting line at your next cookout and bring these beauties instead. Not only will they blow everyone away, but you won’t accidentally burn your marshmallow, either. It’s seriously a win-win.
Pumpkin Spice White Russian
This is not a drill. Someone, somewhere, must be the pumpkin spice marketing coordinator of the world. I imagine that when she created this, this thought process went through her head: “Our obvious demographic is the white girl in her twenties. The only thing she loves more than pumpkin is alcohol. How can we make this work?” And just like that, a star was born. This amazing drink will warm your heart with joy and alcohol. Cheers!
Pumpkin Truffles
You thought I’d never get here, didn’t you? You were thinking, “This is a website for women! How could she possibly leave out dessert?” Ladies, I’ve got you covered. These pumpkin pie truffles are EASY, EASY, EASY to make. Let me reiterate: you don’t even have to turn on your oven to have a pumpkin wonderland right at your fingertips. Whip these up for your family’s Thanksgiving dinner to impress everyone with your faux-housewife skills, and maybe your grandma will finally leave you alone about not having a husband yet at 21.
Pumpkin Pretzels
Oh my God. Are you looking at these? Oh. My. God. These are PUMPKIN PRETZELS. I’m having a really hard time figuring out what to say to my boyfriend to tell him I’m leaving him to literally marry this food. These are the perfect combination of sugar and pumpkin and fall and CARBS, and I honesty can’t imagine anything in this world making me happier. For the love of pumpkin spice lattes, consider my advice about cutting this recipe down to 25 percent, or don’t blame me when you literally explode from a pumpkin pretzel-induced death (although, I really can’t think of a better way to go).
Pumpkin Pie Jell-O shots
I couldn’t leave this list here without giving you something to take to a party. Even the boys won’t complain, because hi, you’re doing Jell-O shots. I’ve always had a difficult time with Jell-O shots. I don’t really like jello all that much, and getting them out of the cups is always a little awkward. And aren’t they kind of trashy? No worries. You have the amazing taste of pumpkin spice, you eliminate the cup problem (THEY ARE SHAPED LIKE LITTLE PIECES OF PIE), and how can anything this adorable be trashy? Take these to your next mixer, and thank me later..
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RecruitmentChairTSM
RecruitmentChairTSM (@TheRecruitChair) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. This current grad student and ex-sorority girl survives solely on Diet Coke and the tears of the pledges she personally victimized. She's a Monica, a Marnie, a Miranda, and a Regina. Her favorite hobbies include drinking $14 bottles of wine and binge-watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy until she cries. You can send her annoying e-mails at RecruitChairTSM@gmail.com
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