From the day we rolled out of the womb, most of us have been dreaming of our weddings. The cake tastings, the dress fittings, the forcing one person to legally love you forever — it’s just something most of us have been planning forever. Still, while we’ve been pinning our color schemes and party favors since Pinterest was invented, there’s one thing a lot of us didn’t consider when selecting oversized ice sculptures and opulent venues: the budget.
And, since parents tend to have budgets when paying for weddings (or if you end up *gulp* paying for it yourself), there are a few things we all assumed we’d be getting that might actually be out of the realm of possibilities. Someone had to break the bad news, didn’t they?
1. A Vera Wang
Ever since we were in middle school and saw Bride Wars for the first time, it became ingrained in our heads that we needed a Vera on our wedding days, no ifs, ands, or buts. Maybe it was because I felt like I could relate to Kate Hudson in the movie (blonde, hard-headed, former fat girl). Maybe it was because the idea of walking down the aisle in a fluffy dress that complimented my small tits and child-bearing hips was almost too perfect. Maybe it was just the first and only designer I had ever heard of. Since that day, though, I had Vera on the top of my list (until Hayley Paige came onto the scene, of course) for the day I finally Walz into a bridal salon and say yes to my dress. Sadly, it never occurred to me just how expensive weddings are, let alone designer gowns. Besides, you don’t alter Vera to fit you. And this girl? She’s gonna need some mad alterations.
2. A Drone, Two Photographers, A Videographer, And Polaroid Cameras At Every Table
There’s one reason and one reason alone to have a big ass wedding — to post that shit on social media, go viral, and make everyone hate you. If you don’t have aerial footage of the venue, multiple angles for your first look, and an Oscar-worthy video that the girl you detested in high school can hate-watch, what’s even the point?
3. World Class Entertainment
I’m not saying I need the half of The Beatles who are dead to come back to life and perform at my wedding. I mean, if that happened, it would be ideal, but like, I get it. Death is a bit of a drag. Still, having good entertainment is one of the most important aspects of having a good party. A top of the line DJ, absurd lighting, fog machines, a complete marching band, and fireworks that would dazzle everyone are just the basics. A fortune teller would wow guests, revealing (read: lying about) how wonderful their lives are going to be is a bonus. Dancers? Hell yeah. Bring on the professional dancers. All of these components make for a perfect wedding and crippling debt for the rest of your life.
4. Last Meal Level Food
There are a few things a perfect wedding has. An absurd amount of candles, everyone throwing up thanks to the exorbitant amount of alcohol, and a shitton of fantastic food. I’m talking apps on apps to start, then a five-star dinner complete with all of my favorite foods, followed by a ten-tier cake and decadent dessert bar. Then, after everyone gets sloshed on our top-shelf liquor, we’d all mosey out to the variety of food trucks where artisan comfort food is given out, free of charge. Well, free for all of the guests, of course.
5. A Wedding Planner À La J.Lo
For some reason, it never occurred to me that people planned their own weddings. After watching The Wedding Planner, I just assumed that every single person who walks down a rose petal-adorned aisle has someone to plan out each and every detail every step of the way. It turns out, however, that having a wedding planner costs about the same as having a personal assistant. And considering that most of us have yet to hire someone to wipe our asses in everyday life, well, you get the picture.
6. A Bangin’ Bod
I mean, I don’t know, guys. Don’t you just always imagine being a fucking Barbie when you get married? I’m talking a perfect figure, abs for days, and tits that can fill out every single style? That’s sort of how I always pictured things. But now, as I’m going on year five of having pizza once a day and showering with the lights off, I realize I have two options. Wear a garbage bag at my wedding (kidding. Everyone is beautiful and blah blah blah. But you feel me) or I can defy all odds, attempt to cut the carbs, get a shitton of plastic surgery, and try to become *gulp* a hot girl once and for all.
7. All Of My Exes So They Can See How Happy My Life Is Without Them
Wouldn’t it be nice if you could invite every fucker who ever broke your heart to your big day, just to rub it in their faces that you got your happily ever after? I realize that most of our SOs wouldn’t be down with having the people we used to bump uglies with chowing down on the prime rib at our $100 a head receptions. No, it might not necessarily be out of the budget to invite the assholes, but it might be out of reach for our future-husbands’ patience. Sigh.
I mean, unless you plan to marry old and rich, and then count down the days until the geezer keels over, sans-prenup. Then, truly, anything is possible..
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