- Stick to one kind of booze.
I know this one is hard. If I’m being realistic, there were probably only a handful of nights in my entire college career where I managed to stick to one type of alcohol, because I was a broke student who drank whatever was given to me by creepy bar lurkers. That and the fact that every bar has different specials really fucked with me, because whether or not you want to admit it, mixing wine and whiskey and vodka and beer will obliterate your mind and leave you in a drunken, shameful mess. Pick the one you like best and whatever you do, don’t chase your shots with beer. - Don’t try to keep up with the guys.
Unless you were a deeply troubled youth who started breaking into your parents’ liquor cabinet in middle school, you’re likely not going to be able to drink as much as a 190-pound male who pounds Nattys for breakfast and can beer bong whiskey without blinking. Don’t even try to keep up with the guys if you can’t; you’re going to end up looking like an idiot before you’re hurriedly rushed to a toilet by a friend who keeps repeating, “Told ya so.” - Order water in between drinks.
I like to stick to this rule now, because I’m old and decrepit and incapable of doing jack shit when my hangovers are really terrible. It will help you if you order a water in between or alongside drinks once after you’ve thrown back more than two cocktails. Not only will you feel worlds better in the morning because you’ve transformed your body into a hydration station, but you’re less likely to get stupid hamsauced and tell your ex’s new girlfriend how you really feel about her bangs. - For the love of god, eat something.
I used to rally hard after my last Friday class, without even bothering to scarf down some crackers or a Jimmy Johns sandwich. I do not recommend this approach. You’ll get shitfaced ridiculously fast, and you’ll end up dry heaving like a rabid dog because there’s nothing in your gullet to absorb the gallons of alcohol you’ve managed to get your hands on. It’s worth the food baby to ensure you don’t embarrass yourself and end up with the world’s worst stomachache. Resist the urge to extend a middle finger to your hunger in the hopes of having a flat tummy for formal—you need to eat if you plan to drink, period. - Wear real, adult human clothes.
Okay, so maybe this one doesn’t have anything to do with blacking out. But in the off chance that you do drink too much, you don’t want to be wearing a top that would barely fit your five-year-old cousin. There’s always that one drunk girl whose T and A are falling out of her clothes; do not, I repeat, do NOT be that girl. This, ladies, is why God invented leotards. A surefire way to prevent flashing unsuspecting party goers is by wearing clothes that won’t allow for nipslips or cooter flashes. If it’s too tiny for you to comfortably raise your hands above your head and dance to “Single Ladies,” you don’t want to be wearing it when you’re drunkenly flailing your limbs and begging someone to call a sober driver. - Watch your friends.
Sometimes people like to drunkenly wander, which is fine, until Meredith gets lost and winds up fucking a baby daddy who works at Applebee’s. Watch your friends, and make sure they watch you. You don’t have to have a “mom” of the group to be able to tell when somebody is getting out of control. Chances are somebody will be willing to risk a fight to pry that vodka martini from your hand when you’re too drunk to function and remind you that your parents are coming in town tomorrow morning. Don’t be a stickler, but be a friend who is honest enough to tell a drunk bitch when she needs to do less. - Remember it’s a marathon, not a race.
You might think that shotgunning is really adorable (as do I), but if you’re not able to take three in a row, sit the fuck down. You don’t need to be chugging all night in order to have a good time. If you want to be drunk, then get drunk, but don’t overdo it. Listen to your body, because if you try hard enough, there will come a time when you can confidently tell yourself, “This is as drunk as I want to be.” Then stop. You’re not in some cheesey D.A.R.E. video—no one is going to give you shit for cutting yourself off, and if they do, tell them to go to hell and enjoy their borderline-comatose hangover in the A.M..
College is tight. These are the days you’re going to look back on when you’re a 35-year-old wannabe MILF with a mortgage and a husband who makes you wonder why the dad bod was ever a trend. You should rage your lady balls off and rejoice in the fact that your skin and libido will never be better. That being said, you should also do whatever is necessary to make sure you don’t black out and totally make an ass of yourself, because no one likes waking up to a string of texts explaining all the embarrassing shit you did last night. Have fun but don’t be an idiot; follow these simple rules to make sure you can laugh, rather than cry, over last night’s debaucheries.
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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