So you just graduated. This should be a happy, although somewhat bittersweet, time in your life. You are finally seeing four years of hard work pay off. As someone who just recently walked across the stage a commencement to receive my diploma I’ll admit it does feel a little different. I get to tell everyone I’m a college graduate. I accomplished something. Unfortunately, the next question everyone asks is something along the lines of “What are you going to do after graduation?” or “Do you have a job yet?”
Because it tends to be frowned upon to aggressively yell at well-meaning family members to fuck off, I’ve had to find other ways to divert attention from the fact that I still don’t have a clue. If you’re in the same boat as me, as I desperately pray some of you are so I’m not a complete failure, feel free to use these 7 different ways distract yourself and your family from that fact you are a funemployed graduate with little emphasis on the fun part. Or at the very least, make it so nobody wants to associate with you.
1. Start a cleanse.
Why worry thinking about the distant future? Instead, you can be concerned with the next time you can finally start eating solid foods again.
2. Join a workout club with a cult-like following.
Suggestions include SoulCycle or CrossFit. Just make sure you are obnoxiously telling people about your WODs and PRs daily. This ensures no one will ever want to speak to you (or about your future) again.
3. Develop a tedious hobby.
Spend all your energy learning how to crochet or basket-weave and there will be little time left to confront the lack of future plans you have.
4. Become an activist.
Pick a really obscure cause that no one cares about. Proceed to put all your time and energy into stopping whatever “big business” is ruining and you’ll find that the need to be successful and have a career will diminish each day.
5. Go without a shower for 30 days.
You’ll smell so ripe, no one will want to come near you. An added bonus? Apparently it does wonders for your skin. Extra points if combined with joining a workout club with a cult-like following.
6. Decide to be a vegan, for animal rights, of course.
Proceed to show everyone videos of how they slaughter animals or force chickens to lay eggs all for our own culinary enjoyment. The goal is to shame people into changing their ways. Or, more than likely, you’ll be so annoying that everyone avoids you like the plague. At least you’re saving animals.
7. Start a style blog/Insta/Twitter.
Your sorority superlative was “Best Dressed,” so it only makes sense to share your fashion insight with the peasants around you. Don’t be deterred by your initial lack of followers, I promise, people do care about your opinion. And even if they don’t, at least they don’t care about your future either.
Or ya know, just suck it up, continue to apply to jobs and network, and pray some poor soul is willing to take a chance and hire you. Whatever, really..
Nice Move814
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ChampagneShowers
Champagne Showers is a contributing writer for TSM. She is your typical Northern Diva. If curse words, sexual content, and drug use offend you, then bless your heart. CS will continue living the life you're too scared to live. email her at: champagne_showers@outlook.com
@ChampShowersTSM
