You did it. You hooked a man. And he’s everything you could have ever hoped for – a penis partner, a personal photographer, and a free dinner and movie every Friday night. But then what? You didn’t want to lose him because, you know, “love” and stuff (ahem, cunnilingus). So, you tried to impress him. The hair. The makeup. The outfits. Doing his laundry. Taking his exams. And, now, watching “the game.” Adorned in your team color coordinated ensemble and taking on the foreign world of [insert unimpressive sports bar name here], you have an internal conversation with yourself that goes a little something like this…

1. I’m loving the oversized jersey look on me right now.
2. I’m going to be, like, the Lombardi of trophy wives.
3. What sport is the Lombardi trophy for again?
4. Football? Hockey? Dancing With The Stars?
5. THIS is his favorite sports bar? I got all trophied up for THIS?
6. Maybe it’s nicer on the inside?
7. Or, like, one of those hole-in-the-wall places that has gourmet food? Fingers crossed.
8. Good thing he didn’t bring me here on our first date.
9. I can have fun here. I’m not shallow.
10. Ew, there are crumbs on my seat.
11. I hope he suggests pizza so I don’t have to.
12. And a side of ranch.
13. How many freaking TVs do they have in here?
14. I think there are actually more TVs than there are people.
15. Where’s the puck/ball/whatever even at?
16. I wonder how much those guys make?
17. Like, are they Ferrari rich or private island rich?
18. Or are they humble Jordan Spieth types still driving their Yukons and dating their high school sweethearts? *swoon*
19. They are SO huge.
20. I wonder what’s under those shorts?
21. Is it hard to play with a huge dong?
22. Like, do they have to tie down their balls before they go running around like that?
23. How do they find clothes?
24. Should I clap?
25. Everyone’s clapping.
26. Why is everyone clapping?
27. I literally looked away for two seconds.
28. What is going on?
29. Not that I would have known even if I HAD been watching.
30. Is that a commercial for Target? Now that’s something I can get into.
31. Can’t a girl get anything but beer around here?
32. Who do these other girlfriends drinking beer think they are?
33. Don’t they know they don’t have to do that to themselves?
34. Did he really just order me a beer? Oh, I get it now.
35. Kill me. Or at least give me some Oragel for my tongue.
36. How is it only halfway through?
37. I should be home, in bed, and playing hard to get by now.
38. “So how long is that guy out for?”
39. Genius. There’s guaranteed to be someone hurt or coming back after an injury.
40. He’s totally turned on that I knew that.
41. One way ticket to O-town, please.
42. “What sport did you play in high school again?”
43. Oh, all of them, yeah I remember now.
44. Maybe if he put as much time as he did following sports into learning about hedge funds or something else useful, we’d be at the actual game sitting in box seats right now.
45. “Is that a hat trick?”
46. Oh, wrong sport.
47. Dammit, I thought I had that one.
48. What hashtag should I use with our selfie?
49. #GameDay?
50. #BoyfAndBasketball?
51. #TakeMeHomeNowPlease?
52. Steph Curry is a boy?
53. Is that short for Stephen?
54. Or is his name really Steph?
55. *stalks Steph Curry on social media*
56. Oh. My. Gosh. His family is so freaking cute.
57. I want to be his wife and not even because he’s good at sports.
58. Okay, okay. I’m putting away my phone.
59. Now, what do I do?
60. “Let’s order wings.”
61. If I’m going to be at this sports bar all night surrounded by meaty, yelling men, I might as well try to enjoy something.
62. I think it’s almost over. Thank God.
63. And these wings — killer.
64. The waitress even brought me extra celery because I must look *so* thin.
65. Am I blushing?
66. Come on tiny TV clock.
67. Just a few more minutes.
68. You can do it.
69. Boom. Over. Done. Bye. Peace. See you later, Felicia.
70. I’m just the best girlfriend ever.
71. Is Tiffany too much to ask in return for this occasion?
72. “Yeah, babe, that was so fun.”
73. That was the most confusing, yet boyfriend-pleasing, thing I’ve ever done.
74. And that’s really saying something because I’m not skimpy on the BJs.

Go sports!.

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premed donna

Who said you can't be smart and funny? When I'm not writing for TSM, you can find me studying into oblivion, downing a bottle of chardonnay, and/or sobbing for reasons I have yet to understand. All hate fan mail can be sent to premed.donna.tsm@gmail.com.