It’s no secret that girls get a bad reputation when it comes to being total psychos post-breakup. In the heat of heartbreak it’s not uncommon for some ladies to threaten to burn his house down, chop his dick off, or kill his dog. Whether it’s the period induced hormones or the fact that you caught him Snapchatting your best friend to blame, there are some low-blow revenge techniques that go past the point of playful sabotage and cross into the “she should probably get sent to a mental institution” category. That being said, here is a list of eight post-breakup revenge tactics you should probably avoid to keep your retribution a little more Blair Waldorf and a little less Taylor Swift.
1. Vandalizing his car
I know screwing with his car is the cliché breakup revenge go-to but for the love of all things Lilly, please don’t fucking do it. Just because Carrie Underwood makes beating the shit out of a guys car look pretty sexy doesn’t mean you have the ability to do so. Even though everyone likes to claim their daddy has money, I guarantee yours is not going to be thrilled when he finds out he has to write a check the size of your college fund to buy his bratty daughter’s “asshole ex” a new Audi. There are plenty of ways to get back at a fuckboy that don’t involve jail time, a lawsuit, and possible university expulsion. Unacceptable methods of car vandalism include but are not limited to: keying, slashing tires, bashing headlights, spray painting, and pouring concrete on his car, not to give you any ideas.
2. Hooking up with his best friend
This one always seems to work out in the movies but doesn’t usually have a 10/10 success record in real life. Unless your ex’s best friend is Zac Efron (because if so, please, bang away) DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM. Luring your ex’s bestie in to breaking “bros before hoes” code might seem like a small victory in the moment but the negative long term repercussions will heavily outweigh the positive. Betrayal of friendship makes the battle between you and your ex go beyond a personal level. Although girls have the ability to end friendships over a guy, boys are a little different. As my dad always used to say, “guys will beat the living shit out of each other one night then text each other the next to go out for a drink and act like nothing ever happened.” While hooking up with a friend’s ex might cause the boys’ friendship turmoil in the beginning, eventually the guys will get over it, ban together, and instead of having just your ex’s target on your back, you will have his entire group of friends out to get you. Have you ever thought about transferring?
3. Getting an insane haircut
Although Britney may have been able to successfully recover from her 2007 “haircut,” chances are you won’t be able to do the same. After a breakup you are at your most vulnerable so you are totally prone to making KUWTK worthy dramatic decisions you will most likely regret later. Keep your fucking hair. You’ll thank me later
4. Pranking him
This is included but not limited to prank calls, TPing his house, drawing penises on his car with car paint, putting super glue in his keyhole, or posting his number on “gay sex wanted” ads on craigslist, just to name a few. (Once again, don’t get any ideas) Going all MTV Pranked on your ex might have provided adequate entertainment value for your posse in 8th grade but it’s time to grow the fuck up. Unless your ex is a total pedophile who is attracted to chicks with pigtails and braces, you should probably stop acting like you are 12. It’s no longer cute OR funny.
5. Posting dramatic social media updates
Whoever invented subtweeting deserves to feel an amount of pain equivalent to having one of Beyoncé’s stilettos and a magnum condom worthy dick shoved simultaneously up their asshole. Why? Because whoever invented subtweeting pretty much made it socially acceptable to whine about your life and problems to not only the people who are unfortunate enough to know you, but also the people whom you only know through “six degrees of separation” logic (myself included). You aren’t fooling anyone by posting depressing, dramatic, song lyric status updates on Facebook and tweeting things like “good luck finding someone better than me.” Everyone knows exactly who you’re talking about and chances are they really don’t fucking care. Social media rants are either A) a desperate call for attention or B) a way of letting your ex know that the breakup bothered you. BOTH of which make you look desperate and depressing as fuck.
6. Faking a pregnancy
There’s this movie where a girl faked a pregnancy then pretended to get kidnapped. Maybe you’ve seen it? It’s called Gone Girl. Spoiler alert: the bitch turned out to be clinically insane. Enough said.
7. Burning his possessions
One time I had a friend whose ex broke into her apartment when she was home for winter break, stole ALL of her clothes, burned them, and sent her a video after of himself doing so. Yes, you read that right. BURNED HER ENTIRE CLOSET. Leave the burning of shit to the guys. Not only because you probably will try to burn his tie and end up burning down your entire apartment complex, but also because the guy aforementioned is now in a mental facility as well.
8. Becoming a shit show to get his attention
My mom told me a million times growing up, “stop cutting off your nose to spite your face” This usually came after telling me not to eat another slice of pizza because I needed to fit into my prom dress causing me to dramatically inhale the pizza two inches from her accompanied by an eye-roll but nonetheless, the saying still rings true. Becoming an alcoholic, failing all of your classes, dressing poorly enough to have people convinced you are a homeless man, neglecting anything and everything related to hygiene, getting arrested, becoming a heroin addict, getting a “frequent visiter” card to the local ER for alcohol poisoning, dating someone who resembles Jonah Hill, and finding a new love for Nickelback, all fall into the “cry for help” category. If you find yourself subconsciously doing any of these things, please get help. If you are making the conscious decision to do any of these things to get your ex’s attention in hopes he will be your knight in shining armor and come to save you, snap the fuck out of it. Although your breakup might seem like the end of the world at the moment, I guarantee that by the time the next season of The Bachelor rolls around you won’t give a fuck about your ex. Don’t throw your life down the drain for pain so temporary especially because your ex is lame anyway.
If you find yourself contemplating doing any (or all) of these things, please don’t. Not only because it will save your friends the hassle of googling “how to accept a collect call from the county jail,” but also because I heard a rumor that Netflix is forbidden in psychiatric wards and let’s be honest, those white linen PJs aren’t flattering on anyone..